Whisk-y Business

Memes, ficlet call, and the Dalek Invasion of RC 1020

2006-06-16T20:22:37Z

Today's another 'Rez-wraps-things-up' day. You have been warned. Don't worry, I'll cut things to spare your f-list space.

Number first, we were tagged about a billion years ago to do this meme, as the Agents, and we're just now getting around to it. What? We are busy people.

Name: Rez Montrose
10 years ago:
* I was eight years old
* I lived on a small planet near Polaris
* I started learning how to fly a spaceship
* I also started learning acting
* I wanted to be a pirate when I grew up

5 years ago:
* I was thirteen
* I had been on a space pirate crew for three years
* ..and on Earth for almost one
* I started getting into fandom
* I got possessed briefly by a self-insert Sue

1 year ago:
* I was seventeen
* I had just joined the PPC
* I got my own ship, which broke almost immediately
* I'd been dyeing my hair blue for a year
* I killed that Sue good and dead

Yesterday I:
* Wrote part of a song
* Took Jack Sparrow to Medical, again
* Took Dr. House back to his canon from Medical after stopping him trying to diagnose Jack
* Confiscated my guitar back from Flip
* Adopted a miniature Dalek

5 Snacks I love:
* sour cream & onion Pringles
* anything chocolate
* cookies!
* cheese and crackers
* Doritos

5 Songs I Know all the Words to:
* 'Can't Keep Out The Night' - Moby Dick the Musical
* 'The Galaxy Song' - Monty Python
* 'Pollution' - Tom Lehrer
* 'The Times They Are A-Changin'' - Bob Dylan
* The entire vocal score to Nightmare Before Christmas

5 things I would Do with A Million Dollars:
* FIX MY SHIP
* get an electric guitar
* and some new blaster cartridges
* did I say fix my ship already?
* Shoe. Shopping.

5 places I would run away to:
* space, duh
* Tortall
* England
* Italy, I've never even been there but I hear it's pretty
* Discworld

5 favorite movies:
* Howl's Moving Castle
* Twelfth Night
* Nightmare Before Christmas
* Pirates of the Caribbean
* Monty Python and the Holy Grail

5 bad habits:
* incessant hair-dyeing
* stalking villains
* buying too many shoes
* excessive violence
* fidgeting while talking

5 biggest joys:
* killing a Sue
* freshly-baked cookies
* a new pair of shoes
* warm towels right out of the dryer
* flying a spaceship

5 Fictional Characters I would date:
* Dr. House
* Lord Vetinari
* Duke Roger of Conte
* The Ninth Doctor
* Otto Chriek

Name: Flip Finley
10 years ago:
* I accidentally blew up a battlefield in a medieval world
* ..and couldn't remember anything that happened before that
* I nearly got burned as a witch but escaped
* I became a wandering storyteller
* I met Rafe and Drian and found out about alternate realities

5 years ago:
* I had been to space stations in the future
* and modern comic-book universes
* and I'm pretty sure Middle-earth at one point
* I got the Whisk for my 'birthday'
* I started learning how to work with my character-blip abilities

1 year ago:
* I had mostly got my abilities under control
* I had just joined the PPC
* I had known Rez for maybe a year
* I got to meet Zaphod
* I started collecting weird jewelry

Yesterday I:
* Slept late for once
* Built a miniature Dalek out of pipecleaners
* Mixed up a new batch of PG2B2 and took it down to the General Store to trade
* Got back to discover the Dalek gone.. oops.
* Played with Rez's guitar while she was out

5 Snacks I love:
* orange sherbet
* anything sour
* jellybeans
* popcorn
* grilled cheese

5 Songs I Know all the Words to:
* 'Always Look On The Bright Side of Life' - Monty Python
* 'Nowhere Man' - The Beatles
* 'The Circle of Life' - Lion King
* 'Charlie on the MTA' - The Kingston Trio
* 'So Long and Thanks For All The Fish' - Hitchhiker's Guide

5 things I would Do with A Million Dollars:
* take a trip around the world
* throw a big party
* go have a spa day and get pampered
* invent a bunch of cool stuff
* give some of it to charity

5 places I would run away to:
* Hawaii
* Japan, maybe, if I knew Japanese
* US Southwest
* X-Men canon
* the Heart of Gold

5 favorite movies:
* The Court Jester
* The Lion King
* Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
* Yellow Submarine
* Monty Python and the Holy Grail.. you know I bet Rez already said that one. Whatever.

5 bad habits:
* nail-biting
* oversleeping
* oversnacking
* blowing things up
* starting arguments just to do it

5 biggest joys:
* killing Sues!
* successfully inventing something
* naps in the middle of the day
* getting to dress up
* hugs hugs hugs!

5 Fictional Characters I would date:
* The Tenth Doctor
* Zaphod Beeblebrox
* Fred and/or George Weasley (yes, both of them. Shutup.)
* Hoban 'Wash' Washburne (if he wasn't taken already, that is)
* Carrot Ironfoundersson

Second off, I'm concluding the movie-quotes meme as people have generally stopped guessing. The ones that were missed were mostly the more obscure ones, although I was surprised at a few..
The ones that didn't get guessed:
1. "Haven't you ever heard of 'peace on earth, goodwill to all men?'" "NO!"
-Nightmare Before Christmas
2. "Are you wearing my underwear? 'Cause I'm wearing yours, and it ain't doing the trick!"
-Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (I can't believe nobody got that one. Shame.)
4. "You mean you've never composed a hole book?"
-Yellow Submarine
7. "She's good." "..You have no idea."
-X2
9. "Now we're fucked. I want to know in advance when we're fucked."
-Lost in La Mancha
10. "And get a cat that can act!"
-Day for Night
16. "I wish you would stop."
-Sense and Sensibility (leave it to me to pick a really tiny and unimportant line, just because it was said by Hugh Laurie. Sorry.)
17. "Lovely model, never any trouble."
-How To Irritate People
19. "I did not leave the South Side for this!"
-Mean Girls (what? I like that movie.)
23. "Slam dunk, three points!"
-Scotland, PA
yami_to_hikari and festegurl92101 both got six right, so congratulations! You both win a mini-ficlet in the fandom of your choice! Hopefully you both know generally what fandoms I can write, so leave me a comment and let me know what you'd like. *pokes toward the comment box*

And finally, I'd like to introduce the newest occupant of RC 1020, Winston, probably the smallest and most harmless Dalek in existence.

You see, Winston is an inch tall and made of pipecleaners. But don't point that out to him..

..or he might EXTERMINATE you!
Well, no. He might try. You might get what amounts to a small static shock.

Winston likes to explore, I've discovered, so if you see him around HQ don't panic, and please don't step on him.

*checks around* All right, I think that's it.. Rez, out. *click-fzzt!*

Hee.

2006-05-28T14:45:34Z

Just thought I'd share this:

Ahahahaha.

The Movie Meme

2006-05-26T00:59:50Z

Because I'm even sheepier than all you sheeps out there (and because I like to make up words):

1. Pick 25 of your favorite movies.
2. Then pick one of your favorite quotes from each movie.
3. Post the quotes in your journal.
4. Have those on your friends list guess what the movie is. No googling!
5. Either strike out the quote once it has been correctly identified, or place the guesser's user name directly after the quote.

1. "Haven't you ever heard of 'peace on earth, goodwill to all men?'" "NO!"
2. "Are you wearing my underwear? 'Cause I'm wearing yours, and it ain't doing the trick!"
~~3. "He probably is a demon. But he led me here, so maybe he's the good kind."~~ yami_to_hikari
4. "You mean you've never composed a hole book?"
~~5. "Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can."~~ yattara
~~6. "We're gonna explode? I don't wanna explode!"~~ festegurl92101
7. "She's good." "..You have no idea."
~~8. "No king, no king, la-la-la-la-la-la!"~~ gundamkiwi
9. "Now we're fucked. I want to know in advance when we're fucked."
10. "And get a cat that can act!"
~~11. "The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle, the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true."~~ festegurl92101
~~12. "The best kind of prize is a surprise!"~~ yami_to_hikari
~~13. "You like pain? Try wearing a corset."~~ yattara
~~14. "Some of you may die.. but that is a sacrifice I am willing to make."~~ yami_to_hikari
~~15. "She's not a fan, she's a termite. Or something."~~ festegurl92101
16. "I wish you would stop."
17. "Lovely model, never any trouble."
~~18. "With these hands, I will cup your- oh dear."~~ yami_to_hikari, gundamkiwi
19. "I did not leave the South Side for this!"
~~20. "She needs to sort out her priorities."~~ yami_to_hikari, gundamkiwi
~~21. "Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage."~~ festegurl92101
~~22. "Phenomenal cosmic power... itty-bitty living space."~~ yami_to_hikari, gundamkiwi
23. "Slam dunk, three points!"
~~24. "I know, I know... freeze."~~ alaniaflamestar, festegurl92101
and
~~25. "By this axe, I rule!"~~ festegurl92101

And since I like the idea, I will award a mini-ficlet of your choice to whoever guesses the most. (Is it kind of sad that I had trouble coming up with 25 of these? ..I need to watch more movies.)

Drabbles!

2006-05-11T17:50:41Z

Yes, I finally got around to doing them. Be quiet. At least you got them at all. *muttermumble*

For nscangal, who requested Good Omens:

Pollution looked at Famine.
Famine looked at Pollution.
They both looked at the red-haired woman sitting cross-legged on the grass, who had been strumming a guitar and was now looking sheepish. It wasn't a good look on her.
"Honestly, isn't that a little... ironic?" said Famine, lifting an eyebrow.
"I can explain," said War.
Pollution snickered. "This ought to be good."
"Shut up and let me." War threw him a glare. "I'm spreading discord among the civilians. They thought it was bad when their soldiers got sent off to die in a pointless war, well, wait 'til they start sniping at each other as well." There was more than an edge of gloat to her voice.
"Still.. protest songs? You?"
"I am exploiting a niche," War said haughtily.
"What if it backfires?" Famine asked.
"Trust me," said War, "it won't."

For festegurl92101, who had a specific GO request:

"This is ridiculous," Crowley muttered, drumming his fingers on the Bentley's wheel. Leave it to the angel to mess up a routine that they had been going through for eons by giving it a bloody qualifier. Suddenly, 'Crowley and Aziraphale going out drinking' had become 'Crowley and Aziraphale going on a date.' A date. Crowley did not do dates, especially not with suddenly romantic-minded angels. But Aziraphale, bless his eternal soul, had turned the Eyes on him, and he had found himself agreeing.
"What was that, dear?" asked Aziraphale, blinking at him with those same damn innocent eyes.
"Nothing," said Crowley, "let's put on some music." Jazz. Just the thing. He slipped the tape in, and the familiar strains played of Duke Ellington's 'You're My Best Friend.'
Oh, bugger, thought Crowley, even as he pulled over to the side of the abandoned road.
As it transpired, they didn't pay attention to the words anyway.

gundamkiwi ordered a side of Guideslash:

Arthur Dent was having a comparatively good day, for a day spent on the Heart of Gold. He hadn't been woken up by anything unpleasant happening to him, the last planet they had stopped on- wonder of wonders- had had tea, and the universe in general had apparently decided to leave him alone.
Until he walked onto the bridge.
"Trillian could settle it," Ford was saying, waving a half-full glass.
"Trillian isn't settling anything," said Zaphod, a slight frown on one of his heads. The other head was staring at his own glass. It was empty. "That would involve you asking her."
"Let's ask Arthur, then. Who's better in bed, me or Zaphod?"
Arthur nearly dropped his teacup. "I don't- what- I never-"
"What, Monkeyman, you don't remember that party on Aldebaran V?" Both of Zaphod's faces broke into a wicked grin.
"No- I- what?"
"Chill out, Earth dude, I'm just messing with your head."
"You're so cute when you're freaked out," Ford snickered.
"I give up," Arthur muttered, retreating with his tea.
Ford excused himself and jogged after him. "Arthur, wait!"
"What now?" said Arthur, suspiciously.
"It's me," said Ford, seizing Arthur's wrist and dragging him down the corridor, "and I can prove it."
The teacup smashed on the floor.

For elcalion, a bit of Discworldy goodness- three out of four ain't bad:

There were three people in the Library at Unseen University.
Well... for a given value of 'people,' anyway.
"This is.. unusual," said one of the two who were clothed all in black.
YES, said the other.
"The Rite of Ashk'Ente, right?"
"Ook," said the third. In one long-fingered hand he clutched a few bits of wood pieced together in the shape of an ankh.
"I mean. I know these days it's not certain which one of us you'll get-"
-BUT IS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO SUMMON BOTH OF US?
"Oook," the Librarian said. "Ook, ook, eeek."
I SEE, said Death.
"You told the Watch?"
"Ook."
Susan shrugged. "I'm not doing anything else, and this sounds like it may be important."
SINCE WE'RE HERE ANYWAY...
"Oook," said the Librarian, and ambled off. Susan and Death followed him down the endless rows of shelves.

And for __raingarden, who loves her some HP:

It was almost too easy to join the pack. He had expected his senses to rebel at the blood, the slaughter, the savage simplicity that up until then he had escaped. He had expected more of an inner struggle than he had had.
Without the Wolfsbane Potion, it was almost too easy to change. The hunt was almost.. organized. Werewolves were worse than regular wolves, because they still retained a cruelty that was fundamentally human. He had expected to hate himself more afterwards than he did.
Once, in the middle of the running, a low-hanging branch for a second looked like the horns of a stag. With a second's change in perspective, it was gone. Once, out of the corner of his eye, the wolf running next to him looked bigger and blacker. He turned his head briefly and saw just another wolf. Once they caught a rat. It wasn't even worth killing. It scampered away and hid.
It was almost too easy.

There! *dusts off hands* Hope they satisfy!
I'll kick myself later for saying this, but there are still five slots open..

Because I'm a sheep.

2006-05-10T18:48:34Z

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Rez!

If you lace Rez from the inside to the outside, the fit will be snugger around your big toe.
About 100 people choke to death on Rez each year.
In 1982 Time Magazine named Rez its 'Man of the Year'.
Rez can usually be found in nests built in the webs of large spiders!
The colour of Rez is no indication of her spiciness, but size usually is.
Rez became extinct in England in 1486.
If you chew gum while peeling Rez then it will stop you from crying.
Rez kept at the window will keep vampires at bay.
If you put a drop of liquor on Rez, she will go mad and sting herself to death!
Japan provides over thirty percent of the world's Rez supply.

*baaah*

Still.. pretty amusing. Mwee.

Memeage and an Important Question

2006-05-01T19:11:22Z

Snaffled from boz4pm:
The first 10 people to comment on this post get to request a drabble– 100 words – on a subject/character of their choosing from me. In return, they have to post this in their journal. Post all fandoms you’re willing to write for.

-HP
-Tamora Pierce (better with Tortall, but I can write CoM if I strain)
-Discworld
-Good Omens
-Hitchhiker's Guide

..and I think that's plenty to choose from.

And now I have a question to ask of the Almighty Friends List. Here is my situation. The guitar, which everyone knows is the love of my life, is coming with me to college. Which means that for all intents and purposes it is officially mine.
The problem? This means that it needs a name, and I am totally stuck for one. So. Suggestions? Inspirations? Places I can look? Things to avoid at all costs? Those who help will be ~~bribed~~ rewarded, possibly with icons, possibly with cookies, possibly with madsnuggles. Which everyone knows are the bestest.

Memespam. Wheee.

2006-04-22T20:06:55Z

Was tagged by nscangal. So.

Write a little paragraph about your name, why you chose it, what it means to you, etc.
Well, it really ought to have a hyphen in it. Whisk-y Business. It's a pun, see. Because of the Whisk.
The Whisk is kind of starting to take over my brain. I got the real-life Whisk two years ago for my birthday. It's just over three feet long and really freaking impressive. I had a bit of a whisk penchant- I wouldn't say 'obsession' really, but I rather liked them- before that, but that was the point at which it exploded. Now the Whisk shows up in almost everything I do.. it hasn't shown up in my novel or the sequels I'm planning in my head yet, but I figure it's only a matter of time.
When I started writing my PPC agents, I gave the Whisk-wielding job to Flip, as agent!Rez had most of my personal traits and I was attempting to make Flip more interesting. (That's also how the unstable-character-blip thing arose.) Then when I got this LJ account to put my PPC stuff on, I needed a creative username. Badfic missions are a pretty risky business, and we were using the Whisk, hence 'whisk-y business.'
And I could tell a bunch of stories about the name Rez. I can't remember how I came up with the name, but I used it for my PPC alias because I had recently cut the name out of a fanfic that I was changing to an original story and it was flapping around loose in my head. (The fanfic was a Hitchhiker's Guide one, but it only had a few tangential references to the books, so I cut them out and changed a bunch of things- which was a lot harder than I thought it would be- and it eventually became my NaNo novel. Rez was the main character's towel. You may snicker now.)

What would you change your name to, if you were changing it?

Hm, I dunno. My LJ username, I think, was going to just be 'rez' but it was already taken, IIRC. Later I gave agent!Rez a last name, Montrose, which has absolutely no meaning behind it save that it sounds nifty. So I suppose I could use that. 'Rez Montrose' is my name on other sites- deviantART, the NaNoWriMo site, and I'm debating changing my Pit name to that as well. But I like whiskybusiness.

What is your favorite username? Why?

I'm a fan of names with puns or obscure fandom references in them. chelonianmobile is one of my favorites. I'm also quite fond of ones with multiple meanings.. I had a friend who used 'Pendragon' on AIM for a while, setting my all-time record with three. (He was an artist, hence 'pen,' a dragon sign in the Chinese zodiac, and we had some kind of in-joke linking him with King Arthur that I can't remember now.)

Now, tag five other unfortunates whose usernames you would like to hear about:

Oh, mostly everyone's done this already. yattara, I want to hear about yours, since I haven't yet, and.. anyone else who hasn't done this yet and wants to. I'm always the last one to get around to memes. Ragh.

Mission the Fourth - 'The One Bling'

2006-04-16T02:01:59Z

Mission the Fourth: 'The One Bling' by author unknown
LotR poem fic. In which Flip has cause to worry, a rather frightening artifact is obtained, and Rez handles things... sort of.

Agent Flip Finley woke up.
She felt like there ought to have been rays of white morning sunlight streaming into the room, possibly through curtains of some sort of floaty gauze material. It was that kind of an awakening. Flip thought it was a shame to waste it when there were no curtains for the light to stream through, and indeed no light even to stream at all. There were no windows in PPC headquarters.
Flip rolled off the battered sofa and looked around, blinking in the non-sunlight. Her partner was nowhere to be seen. This was not, in itself, anything to be worried about. Rez was frequently out of the response center-- gathering supplies, visiting friends in other departments, hanging around outside FicPsych hoping to catch a glimpse of Jack Sparrow, who was frequently in and out of the department and whom she more or less worshipped and looked up to immensely-- no, no cause for alarm.
There was a bit of note paper taped to the console. Flip read the note. It was written in purple ink.
Flip, love, it read, have gone out on a teeny mission by myself. I let you sleep in, it’s a really short one. See you in a bit.
Underneath that was a scribbled heart and a letter R, followed by P.S. I spoke to the Hyacinth, or rather, it spoke to me. About… you know. Don’t worry. I handled it.
Flip blinked. She read the note again, but it still said the same thing.
Rez had said not to worry? Now there was something to worry about.

Rez Montrose, at the moment her partner was reading her message, was standing around literally in the middle of nowhere.
"Ought to be around here somewhere," she muttered. Instead of the usual field kit, the agent was armed only with thick gloves, a large pair of tongs, and a heavy-duty plastic bag with odd symbols written on it.
Rez kicked vaguely at what might have been dust. "I hate Generic Somewheres. It ought to be Middle-earth really," she muttered. Then she paused. "I take that back," she corrected herself.
Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a gleam of gold. "Aha," she said, and trudged toward it.
Using the tongs, Rez picked the thing up and peered at it. It was a large, gaudy gold circle strung on a large, gaudy gold chain. The gold shone rather more than gold usually should. Familiar characters were encrusted in diamond around the edge of the circle. She couldn’t read them, but she realized with a sinking feeling that she knew what they probably said.
One Bling to rule them all
One Bling to find them
The words whispered in her ear as she turned the thing around. It needed something to go with it, she thought. Humongous sunglasses, yes, that would be just the thing. And maybe a suit, something in red velour with zebra-print trim--
Rez shook her head, dropped the One Bling into the bag, and sealed it tightly. It wouldn’t do to let any ideas get in her head
One Bling to pimp them all
And in the-- you know what? Never mind.
And then even the greyness of the Generic Somewhere disappeared, and Rez was floating in darkness. The story was over.
"Shortest mission ever," Rez remarked to no one at all, and opened a portal back to HQ.

"Rez, what did you do?" Flip asked, as her partner appeared through the portal.
Rez dropped the bag on the console table and started to peel off her gloves. "What makes you think I did something?"
"You left me this note telling me not to worry," said Flip, brandishing the bit of paper. "My reasoning is twofold. One, no one ever says not to worry for no reason. Therefore, since you did say it, I conclude that there is a reason. Two, the person saying it is you. The prosecution rests."
"I’m having a bad influence on you," Rez said.
"So what did you do?" Flip persisted.
"I got that, for one," said Rez, gesturing to the bag. It was starting to radiate a faint aura of urple. "The One Bling. We should probably get it out of here."
Flip looked at it. "Yeah, probably," she agreed. "But I meant, what did you do about Upstairs?"

Most of the floor of the Floating Hyacinth’s office was taken up by a large artificial pond. Agents stood in the narrow strip between the door and the water’s edge. Rez stood there and fidgeted with a loose thread on her sleeve while the Hyacinth regarded her calmly.
You are late, said its cool voice. The Hyacinth never lost its temper, which was probably scarier than if it shouted. Rez always thought of it as the Vetinari Tactic.
"Yeah, I had a little nap," Rez said, with a shrug. The PG2B2 had taken effect while she had been asleep, and she was feeling unusually casual.
Reports show that you disposed of a Mary Sue by feeding her alive to Reavers, said the Hyacinth. This constitutes torture. Explain yourself.
"She deserved it," Rez said simply. "You did read the reports, right? She killed Wash."
Correction. The Hyacinth’s voice was cold. She caused Hoban Washburn to be shot twice. This brings us to the other issue. You allowed a canon character to die in a story.
"Technically, he was already dead," said Rez. There was a suspicious stinging in her eyes which she mentally told to go away. The PG2B2 only suppressed the memories as long as no one pressed them too hard.
This is a serious issue, Agent Montrose. He could have been saved.
"For what?" Rez demanded. "Saved for what? So he could hang around forever watching his friends, his wife, living their lives and never be able to speak to them? Should we have saved him and then sent him back to Serenity to die again? Or just explained everything very politely and killed him ourselves? That Sue brought Wash back to life just so she could kill him off again. I made a decision not to do the same thing. You put yourself in that situation, and then come back and talk to me about ‘could have been saved.'"
In the minutes-long silence that followed, Rez fished a small white pill out of her pocket and swallowed it. Just a little bit of plain Bleeprin and everything would be fine again.
The Hyacinth, being a flower, had no eyes, but it conveyed the essence of a Look at her. Very well, it said. You have two choices.

"So we’re being short-listed for a special mission," said Rez. "It was that or a month of community service teaching remedial weapons training."
Flip eyed the other agent warily. "What’s the special mission?"
"Beats me," Rez shrugged. “It didn’t say. But after that last one, how bad could it be?”
The console beeped.
"I really," said Flip, split-second visions of destruction flashing in her mind, “wish you hadn’t said that."

In which Rez needs help.

2006-04-02T03:18:18Z

So I joined fanficrants. And I love it to pieces and all, but.. now all the entries on it are absolutely killing my f-list.

Does anyone know how to tweak it so that community entries won't show up on my f-list? Help will be greatly appreciated and probably rewarded with cookies and sparklies.

Because I want to read about you guys, too.

Suequiz spam, yey!

2006-03-31T23:16:04Z

Yoinked from Kiwi and Boz:

What LotR Mary Sue cliche are you?

You are Gandalf's granddaughter.
(Character images from www.fairydollz.com)
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Hahaha, this makes me laugh.

b2mem - which contains shirtage!

2006-03-20T22:18:54Z

To make up for the lack of posting on Saturday (my internet went crashy), here is a plethora (if plethora means three things, anyway..) of stuff.

Here is the design for my Elvish-name shirt, translated by a friend of mine:

(Bonus points and sparklies to you if you can read it.)

And here I am modeling the shirt itself:

And here is the revised version of the cartoon below.

That is all. Rez, out.

Which contains photographic proof of Flowers.

2006-03-14T18:59:29Z

See?

Taken a bit by accident. I was taking a picture of some flowers in a vase and my friend put her glasses amongst them. She didn't realize the implications, nor did I try to explain why suddenly-beglassesed flowers made me go squee.

Also, I made an icon.

b2mem - a cartoon

2006-03-11T22:32:44Z

I was bored and flipping through a site that explained Elvish names, on which there was also a Sindarin phrasebook. And it translated "Ai!" as "Eek!"

And lo, there arose a mental picture:

Hopefully I will be able to do that shirt next. *yays*

chibimania!

2006-03-10T18:44:12Z

This is just too much fun.
Here are chibi!Agents, in all their messed-up-JPG glory, getting ready to wreak some havoc, Flip with a thingy that vaguely resembles a Whisk and Rez with.. a gigantic pitchfork. Just because it's fun.

Mission the Third - 'Sorrow'

2006-03-05T01:51:37Z

Mission the Third: 'Sorrow' by author unknown
Firefly/LotR crossover 'fic. In which Rez is even more homicidal than usual, Flip plays conscience, and everything that can go wrong does.

“..bum, ba-dum, BAAAAH!” Flip finished her pattern dance with a triumphant flourish and a loud bar of the Pirates of the Caribbean score. Instead of the traditional glaive, or even another pole arm, the small-statured brunette had been doing her combat exercises with the Whisk. The Whisk, in her opinion, was a force to be reckoned with, and there were several former Sue-spirits that would be inclined to agree with her. “Three feet of kitchen-implemental fury,” she snickered to herself, replacing it in its wall rack next to the katana that Rez had never gotten the chance to use.

In the year that Rez Montrose and Flip Finley had occupied RC #1020, it had acquired the eclectic decoration scheme that was, oxymoronically, somewhat of a PPC standard. Apart from the wall rack bearing weapons from various continua, there were a few pedestals supporting souvenirs from missions (and one correctional tape, given to Rez for no apparent reason other than ‘it was pretty’). More knickknacks ranged along the top of the console, including a glowing, tap-dancing crystal ball which Flip had named Marco. On the wall were posters, photos, doodles, and a framed certificate from NaNoWriMo with a print of eight people in mismatched spacesuits underneath. A battered green sofa, two beanbag chairs, and a small screen were shoved into the corner, relics of the agents’ MST escapades. There were also decorations from a few different holidays up, that they had been too lazy and/or busy to take down.

BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP!!!! punctuation-ed the console. Flip jumped, muttered a bit under her breath, and wandered over to read the screen.

“‘Princess Alanna,’” she read. “Looks like a standard Sue-replacement fic. Yo, Rez, stop killing your hair, we have a mission!”

An adjoining door swung open, letting forth a cloud of ammonia-scented steam and Rez. The taller agent had an old, stained towel on her head. “Yippee skippee,” she said. “Where is this one?”

“Tamora Pierce,” said Flip, grinning. It was one of their favorite canons. “We’ve got Sue!Alanna in an arranged marriage to Jon, with a secondary Sue who is, apparently, Irish. The minds of Suethors, huh?”

“Bizarre,” Rez agreed. She unwrapped the towel, grabbed a brush out of the bathroom to work at her newly-touched-up blue hair, and ambled over. “Lemme see.”

As she scrolled down the screen, scanning the intelligence report, the console sounded off again with a fleedle fleedle fleedle.

“Fleedle?” Flip said. “That’s new. What is it?”

Rez blinked. “Weeeeird. We’ve just been switched over to a new mission, Urgent Priority. And it’s-” she clicked over into the other screen- “FIREFLY! Yes yes yes yes!” Rez bounced around the small room, shedding the occasional drop of water. “I get to go to Firefly! The gang is going to die!”

“Um, Rez,” said Flip, reading the report, “don’t squee yet. It’s a Firefly/LotR crossover, and it’s bad. Listen to this.” She cleared her throat and read her partner the summary. “‘Lotrfirefly crossover, written on LOTS of sugar. i mean, lots. don't flame or concrit plz. River is pulled into middle eart and meets legolas and falls in luv.’”

“Fiiiiiirefl- what?” Rez stopped abruptly, mid-bounce, and gaped. “No concrit? River and Legolas? What in the name of zark?”

“There’s more,” Flip added grimly. “Um. Maybe you better read it yourself. And maybe you better sit down while you do.”

Rez plopped down into the console chair and looked at the screen. There was a long, ominous pause. Then she stood up, walked over to the wall rack, and began packing every weapon she could fit into her field bag. “Kill ‘em all,” she was mumbling. “Bugrit. Bugrit, I told ‘em. Defenestrate. Fardwarks. I told ‘em, I said, I said, morningstars. Millenium hand and shrimp!”

“Rez, Rez, calm down, you’re flanging,” Flip said. She attempted to put a comforting hand on Rez’s shoulder.

“But it’s Wash-bashing!” Rez wailed, spinning around to face her partner. “And after- after- of all the tactless, insensitive- aaaargh! I need to kill something,” she muttered. A few daggers and a little quarrel of poisoned darts got stuffed into the pack, followed by two blaster pistols, a handful of caltraps and what looked like guitar strings.

With some difficulty, Flip extracted the straps from Rez’s hand and set the clanking bag on the floor. “Not the canons,” she reminded her. “Thranduil would kill us, Simon would kill us, and the Flowers would probably kill us several times.”

“‘m not gonna kill any canons,” muttered Rez. “I’m gonna kill those gorram Sues masquerading as canons.”

“Well, yes, if they’re Sues, you can. We’ll see when we get inside the fic.”

Rez sighed. “Yeah. I guess. Just… Wash-bashing.” She made a face and shook her head, hitting herself in the face with strands of blue hair. “Ugh, I need to put this up..”

As she hunted around for a hair tie, there was a knock on the door. Flip opened it.

“Hi,” said the blonde girl who was standing there. She held up the DVD boxed set of Firefly and a copy of Serenity. “I thought you guys might need these.”

“Hey, Porter,” Rez said, from underneath a ponytail in progress. “Coming on in why don’t you? I was going to call you and ask if I could borrow those.”

Porter blinked. “You didn’t-” she began, and then, “Oh.”

“Retroactive communication,” they both said.

“Make sure you message me later, then,” said Porter. “You already did, and if you don’t when you already did things get really messed up. Here.” She handed the canon-containing DVDs over to Rez, who had finished her hair.

“Good thing I read PTerry, or I wouldn’t be following this,” Flip said sotto voce.

“Thanks,” Rez was saying at the same time. “Er... did I, well, am I going to tell you about this thing we have to deal with? Yes, I can see I did,” she added, noting the look on Porter’s face. “Well, look, it’s a short fic. If we’re not back in a few days, grab Pixie and Malcolm and Guil and the rest and go in after us. And alert Upstairs, although they’ll probably already know. I’ll forward- erm, I forwarded you the details.”

“Mm-hm,” Porter agreed. “You’ll be fine. Good luck, though. I gotta run- there’re a few Buffy fics I’m keeping an eye on.”

“Not a good day for Jossverse, is it?” Flip commented.

“No, it’s sure not,” said Porter. “See you guys ‘round.”

Rez sighed. “Well. I suppose I had better forward this thing.” She clicked around on the console screen while Flip went over to the disguise generator.

“What should we be?” she mused. “The very beginning is on Serenity, so we could be, um, bounty hunters… or Operatives… or Reavers, I guess, but ew. But the rest is in Middle-earth. Random elves? Or orcs, but again, ew.”

“Random elves, I think,” said Rez, clicking one last time and leaning back in her chair.

“Works for me,” Flip replied. “Now let’s pack- for real this time.”

Rez emptied the vast array of weapons out of her bag and reloaded it- CAD, remote activator, neuralizer, sunglasses, CD player and headphones, chalk, requisite beacons of canon, notepad, pens, and snackage. She also added a large bottle of Bleeprin and a smaller bottle of PG2B2, and, after some hesitation, selected a pistol crossbow and the poisoned darts. “Arm lightly,” she said, with a slightly disturbing grin.

“And with Disc weaponry,” Flip pointed out. “Taking a leaf out of Teppic’s book?”

Rez pouted. “The poisoned darts could be loads of different canons,” she protested. “And this monstrosity can’t touch canon with a bargepole, anyway. C’mon, let’s get this over with before my righteous anger wears off.”

“You have a point,” said Flip, lifting the Whisk back out of the wall rack. She crossed the room and hit the portal button.

Rez zipped up her pack and slung it over her shoulder. “I have lots of points,” she said, as the agents stepped through into the cargo bay of Serenity.

..Or rather, what they thought was going to be Serenity. The actual story hadn’t started yet, and they found themselves floating in undefined grayness. “Great,” Flip muttered. “I hate getting stuck in total bill.”

“What?” Rez blinked.

“You know. When everything’s gone and nothing’s left. Bill,” explained Flip.

“Ah, right. I had forgotten about bill.”

Summari (I like I’s better, teehee)

The agents both winced as the author’s note assaulted their ears. “Weird,” Rez said. “A Suethor who actually likes other vowels better than Y? That’s a turn up for the books.”

“Oh, Zarquon,” said Flip. “I’m not sitting through this whole note.” She managed to maneuver herself over and dig the CD player and wallet of discs out of the pack. “Jeez, Rez, don’t you have anything normal in here?” she added, flipping through musical soundtracks, a cappella cover albums, and Celtic-African fusion.

“I have Beatles,” Rez said. “That’s as close as you get.”

“Ooh, never mind, Tom Lehrer,” said Flip, pulling the CD in question out of its little pocket. “Sweet action.”

As her partner slipped the sound-blocking headphones over her newly pointed ears and started humming, Rez sighed and got out the notebook. She scribbled down ‘Vowel discrimination’ and reluctantly tuned back in to the shrill voice of the author.

After a comparatively short time, a small creature appeared in the void. It was humanoid, barely, smeared with dirt and dried blood, and looked altogether savage and frightening. Rez looked at the Words, then back at what she was guessing was a mini-Reaver. “Friefly,” she said sadly to herself. “Honestly.” Friefly was shortly joined by another of his ilk- Rez looked again- Riever.

Another short while later, and Rez scribbled something else on the next sheet of paper, tore it off, and handed it to Flip, who stopped humming the Vatican Rag and peered at it. Inasmuch as it was possible for handwriting to look anguished, it did. ‘Oh gods, look @ the Words,’ read Rez’s curly cursive letters. Feeling wary, Flip did.

Wash dies. (cus hes uugli!) Its post serenity, btw. But I brough wash back to life so I culd kill him.

Flip looked over at Rez, who gave her a pained look. “I know,” she mouthed.

Rez mimed stabbing something in front of her with her pen, then went back to her charge list. It already contained several items, and gained a few more when the author’s note declared that she was ‘too lazy to spellcheck, its just for fun neways.”

And then, suddenly, the ship Serenity manifested around them.

Rez immediately over-balanced and fell to the floor. Flip stumbled, but managed to regain her balance. She quickly snatched the headphones off and looked around at the fic.

The opening scene was, as they had guessed before, in the cargo bay. The Words hadn’t specified a location, but canon, attempting to reassert itself, had apparently made an arbitrary decision between the cargo bay and the kitchen. There was River, sitting and brushing the ‘long, dark mane of hair’ that had replaced her usual stringy strands. Scribble, scribble, went Rez’s pen, from her vantage point on the floor.

She jumped up amazingly quickly, however, when two more mini-Reavers appeared. “These guys are weirding me out,” she muttered.

“Really? You’re usually fine with minis,” Flip muttered back.

“Yesbut. They’re Reavers.”

“All right, that’s valid.” Flip looked at the Words again- the new arrivals were ‘Simone’ and ‘Kailee.’ They also, due to an unfortunate spelling error, appeared to be shoving football tackling dummies across the floor. “How do you get ‘tackling’ from ‘talking?’” she wondered out loud. “Rez, charge the spelling.”

“Done and done,” Rez said, writing furiously as further quirks of spelling- River was, apparently, ‘board’- turned the girl into a wooden cutout.

And then Wash came in.

Rez made a very quiet eeping noise. “That was not a squee,” she said, before Flip could say anything.

“Uh-huh,” said Flip, rolling her eyes. “Sure. I believe you.”

“Hi river” Wash said.

“Hullo, wash” River said ‘darkly.’

“Oh, you just had to go and ruin it,” Rez sulked. “Um, ruin it more, that is.”

For the past few lines, Flip had been poking Rez in the back. Now Rez looked up, and saw why. What looked like a large water balloon had slowly been expanding above their heads. “There’s going to be a ‘burst of lite,’” Flip whispered.

“What-” Rez began. Then the balloon burst, showering everyone with something brown and sticky. Rez licked her lips, and made a face. “Diet soda? Yurk.”

Flip looked around. “Shaznatch, they’re gone! Quick, the portal!”

Rez fumbled in her bag for the remote activator, but before she could get it out, the scene shifted. The agents went sprawling as Serenity was replaced by a random patch of forest.

“My hand is going to drop off,” Rez complained, flipping a page in the notebook. “Ew, and we’re all damp and sticky still. Stupid Suethors and their stupid spelling.”

“River is sleeping,” Flip pointed out. “And the Words don’t specify how long she sleeps, just that she wakes up in a forest. We might have time to clean off.”

Rez got up, clutching the remote activator. “I’ll nip back and get clean clothes. Here, keep an eye on this.” She tossed Flip the charge list and opened a portal back to the RC.

Only a second later, the portal opened again and Rez stepped out, soda-free. “I set it to the same point in the story that I left,” she explained. “Your turn.” Flip took the activator and went to clean up herself, also returning significantly cleaner. Rez then dumped out the contents of the bag and set it in a little patch of sunlight to dry.

“Huh,” Flip said, having picked the CAD out of the heap of gear and pointed it at River. “You were right, she has been replaced by a Sue. Look at this.”

Emo!River. Mary Sue. Noncanon replacement, read the display screen. Recommendation: Terminate with extreme prejudice.

“Oh… oh my gods,” Rez eeped. But instead of looking at the CAD, she was staring off into the distance.

“What- oh,” said Flip. “Wow. That’s just… wrong.”

In the distance- “How can you even see into the distance in a forest?” Rez groaned- stood an elaborate palace. The Words described it as ‘made of a metal that was stronger then steal, and lighter then air.’ It did not make for fun visual effects.

“This is supposed to be Mirkwood, right?” Rez demanded. “There are no frokking palaces in Mirkwood. And this forest is wrong, anyway, it’s… light. And you can see through it.”

“Aberrational geography,” Flip said out loud as she wrote. “Palaces in Mirkwood. And optically damaging building materials.”

A slight rustling noise made them look back to the immediate foreground. The River-Sue had woken up. There was another noise, this one a snap (although lack of specification made it sound like finger-snapping rather than twigs) and Legolas emerged from the trees.

Flip choked back a laugh. Through further misspellings, the elf’s pointed ears now appeared to be attempting to throttle him. “Strangly pointed ears,” the shorter agent wheezed. “That is priceless!”

Rez managed a smile. “That is.. strange. Definitely get a picture of that.”

“Will do,” said Flip, sketching in the margin of the charge list. “Theeeere we go. Legolas and his homicidal ears.”

“Who the hell are you?” River said.

“Huh,” said Rez. “It’s an actual sentence with capitalization and everything. Too bad it’s so rampantly out of character.”

“You just wait,” Flip sighed. “You think that’s bad..”

“Legolas Greenleaf, Son of tranduil, prince of mirkwood. Im going to have to take you to my fater.”

Both agents winced. Rez cautiously waved the CAD at Legolas.

Legolas Greenleaf. Gary Stu. Common noncanon replacement, said the screen.

“Figures,” said Rez, watching the mini-Balrog that had just appeared stretch its limbs. “‘Legolas Greenleaf’ has been written into so many stories that he’s become an entirely separate character from Legolas Thranduilion.”

“He sounds like a police officer,” Flip muttered, writing busily. “Not a good one, either.”

“You to,” Legolas added, making the agents cringe again. Then he did something extremely strange. He pointed a finger at something behind River, and a miniature bridge constructed itself out of thin air, flew in that direction and disappeared.

“What- oh. He ponted at something,” Flip said, glancing at the Words. “Yeesh.”

“This is getting surreal,” said Rez.

River turned around again. This made one full revolution, and one would have thought that meant she had seen everything around her, but apparently not.

“Grate!” River moaned, seeing Wash. There was a Whedonesque rapid jump cut, and for a moment everyone was frantically shredding food with large graters.

Rez whimpered. “I want to go home. Or failing that, I want a good stiff drink. Where’s the PG2B2?” PG2B2, or Pan Galactic Gargle Bleeprin Blaster, was something that they had invented after a few months in HQ. It was highly volatile- taken in excessive quantities, it could permanently erase memories; mixed improperly it tended to explode. Flip had nearly blown herself up several times during the development process.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Flip said, trying to keep one eye on the scene in the clearing. Legolas was now tying River’s and Wash’s arms. He was not doing a good job. “It’s mid-mission, and besides I’m not sure the ratios-”

“Later for the ratios,” replied Rez. She triumphantly held up the small vial of viscous, electric blue liquid. “A-ha! Now, water-”

River had walked over to Legolas, and, despite her hands being tied and Legolas being significantly taller than she was, had flipped open the top of his head and was peering at his brain. The words ‘This woman is beautiful, I hope father does not beat her’ scrolled across it in bright urple letters.

“Mischaracterizing Thranduil,” Flip growled, pen scratching away at the charge list. “And having River ‘look at his mind.’ Rez, are you paying attention? We’re going to miss charges here!”

“I’m paying, I’m paying,” Rez grumbled. “Look, she’s secreted thought now. Stop nagging me. Yes! Water bottle!”

Flip made a face. River’s skin had begun to ooze a silvery substance, similar to that which filled a Pensieve. She underlined ‘horrendous spelling and grammar’ and turned to Rez again. “Look out,” she said, “there’s bad-angsty poetry coming up-”

The world is dark
and I feel like Im dying

Rez attempted to cover her ears with one hand and keep rooting through the dumped-out pile of gear with the other. “Measuring spoon!” she wailed. “My kingdom for a measuring spoon!”

so I pull out my blade
It glows in the light of the ship

“Zarquon, this is bad!” Flip had to shout to be heard over the pseudo-emo poetry echoing through the fic.

“I know, I know, don’t you think I know?” Rez shouted back. “I’m just going to have to eyeball it!” She started to unscrew the top of the bottle of water.

The poem was almost over- it was at least a short one.

Droplets of blood-red blood seep through
and I am free again
(A/n: ain’t it deep?!)

The parenthetical author’s note boomed through the world of the story. Flip clapped her hands over her ears.

“There’s no time!” she called. “The action is starting!”

And then, all hell broke loose.

There was a flurry of movement from the trees. “Its a yrch!” Legolas shouted ungrammatically. He shot at the emerging orc, to no avail. It kept advancing, drawing its bow on River.

Rez’s water bottle hit the ground and spilled as she scrambled to her feet. At the same time, Wash made to leap in front of ‘the girl he had secreted always lust four.’

“Don’t interfere, Rez!” Flip yelled.

She didn’t listen. “He did NOT!” Rez screamed, elven features twisted with rage, even as she leapt forward as well. But, distracted by anger, she was a hair slower. Wash staggered back, the orc’s arrow embedded in his stomach. Rez hit the ground and rolled, coming up near the stricken pilot.

Darting forward, Flip dragged her partner out of the way. The orc shot Wash again, this time in the chest.

“You trying to die?” Flip hissed. “Because that is a very good way to do it!”

Legolas notched another arrow and fired at the orc. He had regained his usual ability- the orc collapsed, dead. Then the elf turned to River and they stared into each other’s eyes.

Rez started to go to Wash’s side, but was restrained by Flip, who was still hanging on to her. “What are you doing now?” the shorter agent demanded.

“Someone’s got to exorcise him before anything else happens,” Rez insisted, struggling. “Let me go!” She broke free, snatched up the Firefly boxed set, and rushed over to where Wash lay bleeding heavily.

He was still alive, but barely. His breath was shallow and quick, and his eyes were glazed over- partially with pain, but partially with Suvian influence. “This is going to hurt, I’m afraid,” Rez whispered, kneeling beside him and hefting the DVD set. She settled for hitting Wash around the shoulders as hard as she dared, calling, “Demons, leave this body! The power of Whedon compels thee! Get thee behind me, Sue! The power of Whedon compels thee!”

River and Legolas, Flip was dismayed to note, didn’t even look around. They were ‘oblivious to Washes dying breaths,’ even more so to the elf beating him on the shoulders and shouting hoarsely. River had tears in her eyes.

“Is it because your friend is dying?” Legolas asked her. River shook her head, spouting some nonsense about how she was depressed. “Well they say elves are the most understanding race in the country.”

“They do bloody well not,” Flip muttered, writing furiously, trying to focus. All the canon wrongness was beginning to make her feel ill.

Meanwhile, Rez’s eyes were also beginning to water. “I cast thee out!” she continued, her voice wavering. The exorcism wasn’t working well. She was going to cry, she knew it, and Wash was only getting worse. “The power- of WHEDON- compels thee!”

The numerous blows and the repetitions of his creator’s name finally began to affect Wash. His body twitched a little, and the familiar ghostly figure began to form. The Sue-spirit looked a bit fainter than usual. It became more visible as Rez kept the exorcism going, but very, very slowly.

Rez bit back a scream of frustration. She had had just about enough. “Flip!” she cried. “The Whisk! Now!”

Flip glanced at Rez and Wash, at the Whisk lying on the ground several feet away, at River and Legolas leaning closer to each other, thinking at lightning speed. If she ran the Whisk over to Rez, she was going to be too late. The Sue-spirit still had a tenuous hold on Wash. If her partner was attempting to dispel it before the exorcism was done, things had gone wahooni-shaped. There was nothing for it. It was her turn to borrow from a Discworld character. She darted over, snatched up the Whisk, and threw it.

It didn’t make a ripping noise or leave a trail of sparks behind it as it flew through the air. It simply rocketed towards the Sue-spirit, shredded it into wisps of smoke with barely any deceleration, rebounded off a tree with a metallic clang and a shower of falling leaves, and hit the ground.

Flip stared at her hand in shock. “Did I know I could do that?” she whispered. She felt weak.

A sudden burst of sound snapped her out of it. River was singing. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she was singing Evanescence. It was strange.

“Wash. Wash, stay with me.” Rez waved a hand in front of his eyes. Her voice came out as a harsh croak. “Look at me, Wash.”

The dazed man tried to focus on her. “Who- are you?”

“That’s not important,” Rez rasped. “Listen to me. I can help you. I can get your wounds healed-”

“No,” Wash managed. “I think- I’ve already died once. Does that make sense?”

“You have no idea,” said Rez, unaware that tears had started to run down her face, “how much sense it makes. Look at me.”

“I’m looking,” Wash said. His voice was growing more labored by the second. “What-”

“I am so sorry,” Rez whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. The neuralizer flashed.

She covered Wash’s eyes with a shaking hand. “You’re in the cockpit on Serenity,” she said quickly. “You just dodged the Reavers and the Alliance ships. You’re- a leaf on the wind.”

Wash nodded, just once. “Tell Zoe- I love her.”

Rez felt his eyes close. “She knows,” she replied. She knew he couldn’t hear.

Across the clearing, Flip saw her partner stand up. There was blood on her hands- she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. Her face was set in a stony mask. Flip knew that look. It meant Rez had had more than she could take and was in shock, and that meant that violence was about to ensue. She raised one eyebrow at the taller agent- although only by a bit, in their elven disguises- and took a deliberate step back.

Rez marched into the clearing and tapped the Sue-River on the shoulder. “Excuse me, miss?” she said brightly.

River turned around, looking quite miffed at being interrupted in the middle of her song. “what?” she snapped.

“Hi,” Rez said, still in the same bright tone of voice. The mask had been replaced with a scary smile. “This little gadget I have in my hand, ‘case you didn’t recognize it, is a blowgun. It’s got a poisoned dart in it. Flip, keep an eye on Greenleaf here, and don’t look at his eyes. They change color.”

Flip stepped in front of Legolas, who had started to go for his bow. “I’ll take that,” she murmured, confiscating the offending item.

“Now, I have rather a lot of different poisons on these darts, and they got all shuffled up when we dumped our gear earlier. I think the one I’ve got is fairly safe. Freezes up your body for a while, but it won’t kill you.” Rez’s smile turned up a notch. “‘Course, it could be bloat. You know what bloat does?”

Eyes wide, River shook her head. “No, but-”

“Let’s just say,” Rez said slowly, “that if you get even a little bit of bloat in your system, we’ll all be wearing you. A very thin coat of you.” She cranked the smile all the way up. “Only one way to find out, Miss River.”

“How do you know my-”

Thunk.

Quietly, River toppled over onto the ground.

Rez rolled the Sue onto her back. “Wouldn’t want you to suffocate all easy-like before we charge you, now would we?” she mumbled, more to herself than to the frightened-looking character replacement. “Huh. Pathetic. If you’re going to impersonate River, don’t leave out the arse-kicky bits.”

“Rez, you’re switching speech modes all over the place,” Flip said.

“Yes. And?” Rez narrowed her eyes at her partner.

Flip shrugged. “I’m just saying, is all.” She looked at the impostor Legolas, considered, and socked him in the face.

Rez blinked as the elf joined the girl on the ground. “Really, Flip, was that necessary? And did I know you could do that?”

“Beats the heck out of me,” said Flip. “And you’re one to talk.”

Rez’s face snapped back into its mask again. “You have not seen anything yet. I’ll tie him up. You get the list.”

She searched around for a bit until she found the plothole that the Stu-Legolas had apparently pulled his rope out of. “Can’t believe I forgot the rope,” she muttered to herself. “Bloody humiliating.”

“All right, I got it,” said Flip, returning with the notebook.

“Sock-rockin’. I’ve got the Stu tied up.” Rez kicked Legolas in the ribs. “Wake up! We have some charges for you!”

Legolas stirred and opened his eyes, one of which was starting to show a bruise. “Waht is teh meaning of this?!” he demanded. “I am the prince of-”

“I shall step on you,” Rez interrupted, raising a foot threateningly. As she was nearly six feet most of the time, and taller still as an elf, this was not an idle threat. Her feet were a force to be reckoned with. “Go ahead, Flip.”

“Right. A-hem.” Flip stepped forward, flipping pages in the note book. “Legolas Greenleaf, alias Marty Stu, you are charged with employing horrendous spelling and grammar, having the wrong name, causing aberrational geography, palaces in Mirkwood, and optically challenging building materials, two counts of altering Elvish biology- to wit, color-changing eyes and ‘strangly pointed ears-’ mischaracterizing Thranduil, general abuse of the English and Elvish languages, impersonating a canon character, and being a willing accomplice to Weepy McEmopants over here. Oh, and being a Marty Stu.”

She took a deep breath and turned to River. “Goodness. This is taking a long time. Okay. River Tam, alias Mary Sue, you are charged with all that stuff, plus rampant surrealism, inexplicable plotholes, looking at Legolas’s mind, intra-story author’s notes, inserting bad poetry and stolen song lyrics, being way too emo for anyone’s good, creating no less than five mini-Reavers- Friefly, Riever, Simone, Kailee, and Was- and three mini-Balrogs- Middle Eart, Tranduil, and Legolass- doing an extremely bad job of impersonating a canon character, repeated mischaracterization and abuse of Hoban Washburn, freaking us both out, and being a very blatant Sue. We find you both guilty as charged and sentence you to death. Rez?”

During the reading of the charges, Rez had retrieved her pistol crossbow. Now she aimed it at the Stu-Legolas and shot him in the chest. “One down,” she said.

“That was.. surprisingly merciful,” Flip commented. Upon his death, the Stu had reverted to the default appearance- a generic pretty-boy elf.

“He wasn’t the bad one,” replied Rez, giving her partner a slightly demented grin. “Hand me the remote activator, please.”

“A- are you going to kill me?” the Sue managed, her voice trembling.

“Nope,” Rez beamed. “But trust me, you’re going to wish I had.”

Flip picked up the device, blinking. “Here. What-”

“You’ll see,” Rez said airily. Humming to herself, she punched a set of coordinates and pointed the activator at the River-Sue. “I would stand back, if I were you,” she advised, and hit the button.

The Sue dropped through the portal that opened underneath her. Sounds of screaming drifted up through it, and then Rez closed the portal again.

“Tell me you didn’t just drop her where I think you just dropped her,” Flip said, as the canon snapped back to normal.

“All right, I won’t tell you.” Rez tossed the remote activator back and wound her way through the now-canonically-placed trees toward the gear. She was dusting her hands off in a satisfied manner.

Flip peered at the coordinates that were still on the remote activator screen. “No. You didn’t.”

“I did,” said Rez. “Where’d the Whisk go? Oh, there it is.”

“Rez. You put her on a Reaver ship.” Flip trailed after her partner. “I’m pretty sure that qualifies as torture. Upstairs is not going to be happy.”

Rez sighed, tossing the last of the gear into the bag. “Upstairs can go whistle. Quite frankly? She deserved it.”

Flip considered. “Well… yes. Point taken.”

“Come on, let’s portal out of here.” Rez sighed. “I need a drink.”

The agents were quiet as Flip opened up the portal back into the response center. Flip was still feeling the aftereffects of the sheer canon wrongness, and Rez’s adrenaline rush was rapidly wearing off.

“Oh, um, the body?” Flip paused. “What should we-”

“Meh. Just leave it,” Rez said. She had one foot in the RC already. “Dead elf? The spiders will probably get it.”

“And what about the real River and Legolas? Shouldn’t we find them?”

“Oh, for all the gods’ sakes!” Rez wailed, extracting herself reluctantly. “We’re never going to be done! All right, let’s play find-the-plothole.”

They did, by the simple expedient of waving the CAD around until it beeped. Inside were the two very bewildered and angry canons, both of whom looked even more bewildered and angry at the sight of two suddenly-appearing ellith covered in bloodstains. Rez quickly neuralized them before any damage could be inflicted on the agents.

“Right, Legolas, you’re on patrol. There was an incident with some spiders but you dealt with it. Everything’s fine. Go back to the halls and report.” Legolas nodded and moved purposefully away through the trees.

Flip looked at River, scrambling for a reasonable explanation. “Um, River.. you’ve been on a job with Mal and the crew. Serenity is this way.” She zapped up a portal and escorted River through.

“No one else from the crew was actually involved,” Flip said in an undertone. “So they’re fine. Now we can head back.”

“Thank the deity of your choice. Oh wait.. bugger. Hang on. I… have to tell Zoe something.” Rez ducked through the portal before Flip could stop her.

“Rez, what- ah, screwit.” Flip settled down beside the portal and waited.

A few minutes later, the taller agent returned, attempting to look like she hadn’t been crying. “All done,” she said. “Let’s go home.”

The grey walls and eclectic décor were a welcome sight after first the blatant non-canonicity and then the close-in darkness of Mirkwood as it should be. Rez immediately set about mixing herself a large glass of PG2B2, drained it in two goes and collapsed onto the sofa. Flip, meanwhile, set the Whisk back in the wall rack and stowed the bag in a corner.

A light blinked on the console. “Hey, Rez? We have some messages waiting-”

Rez snored.

Flip shrugged, turned the console screen off, and curled up on one of the beanbag chairs. The impending lecture from Upstairs was, apparently, going to have to wait. In the meantime, she might as well get some sleep.

b2mem - a doodle and some musings.

2006-03-04T18:20:04Z

My first post for Back to Middle-Earth Month-

A random elfy-girl. ~~Wearing my glasses.~~
I'm not really sure where she came from, but I'm rather proud of the way she came out. In my head she has kind of a vague backstory- but really, what I'm thinking is, if elves are immortal, and if we go by the popularly accepted fantheory that Middle-Earth = Earth waaaaay back in the day, they'd still be around today. So I got to wondering, what would they think of all the rampant fandom going on? Would they be shocked and horrified? (I would be, if people were writing badfic about me.) Would they just ignore it? I rather think some would be quietly amused and snerk at the silly mortals, like Random J. Elleth here.
..I may do something with this, actually. As I typed it all out, it started to intrigue me. *pokes* Stupid Nuzgul.

Back to Middle-Earth Month!

2006-03-01T20:03:58Z

Yoinked from boz4pm:

March 2006: Back to Middle-Earth Month

"Miss the golden days of the Lord of the Rings fandom? Get homesick for Middle-Earth?
Then this is for you!

You don't need to sign up anywhere to participate. But if you see this on your friends-page and like the idea, please post this text to your LJ to spread the word.

How to participate:

1. Pick a day of the week (or more than one) on which you resolve to always post something LotR-related in March, and let your friends-list know.

2. Go back and read your favourite chapters from the book, or watch the movies again. Let the beauty of LotR inspire you. And then, share the love.

3. Start your subject line with (B2MEM) when you post, and use a "b2mem" tag. This'll make it easy to spot your B2MEM-entries.

No matter if you just ramble about your undying love for LotR, picspam us, post wallpapers, icons, or write fan fic / create fan art, the plan is to get as many LotR-related entries on our friends-pages as possible throughout March.

Sounds good? We've been there, let's go back again!"

This should be lots of fun. LotR, I admit, is not my main fandom, but I'm quite willing to give this a go. My day will most likely be Friday or Saturday as I'm not generally doing anything productive then. Expect doodlage and random arts-and-crafts, as is my wont. (Actually, I've been thinking about doing a shirt with my name in Elvish..)

On a completely unrelated note, the latest mission is almost done. w00tage.

Memememememememe...

2006-01-27T00:28:02Z

Sometimes my brain forgets when to stop typing. It's like 'banana.' *pokes brain*

Anywho, yoinked this from boz4pm.
Leave a list of fictional characters in your journal that you would love to get a message from. Your f- and f-of-list's mission, should they choose to accept it, is to write you an in-character "letter" from a character on that list. Then they post their own list in their journal and the process continues!

-Lord Havelock Vetinari (Discworld)
-Otto Chriek (Discworld)
-Susan Sto Helit or Death (Discworld)
-Duke Roger of Conte (Tamora Pierce)
-Kyprioth (Tamora Pierce)
-Jack Sparrow (PotC)
-Jack Skellington (Nightmare Before Christmas)
-Pretty much anyone from Hitchhiker's Guide but particularly Zaphod
-Fred and George Weasley (HP)
-Aziraphale and/or Crowley, or the Apocalyptic Horsepersons (Good Omens)
-Black Mage (8-Bit Theatre. ...yes, I read webcomics.)
-Pretty much any of the Serenity crew (Firefly)
-Pretty much any Shakespeare character. Particularly villains and fairies.

My pirate name is:

Mad Anne Bonney

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. You can be a little bit unpredictable, but a pirate's life is far from full of certainties, so that fits in pretty well. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Tom Lehrer meets Discworld, or, A silly song made even sillier.

2006-01-13T16:37:46Z

This is the sort of thing that my mind does when I leave it to its own devices.

I was attempting to learn the guitar chords to Tom Lehrer's 'Pollution' and I came up with this-

Pollution- The Discworld Version

If you visit Ankh-Morpork city
You will find it very pretty
Just two things of which you must beware-
Don't drink the water and don't breathe the air
Pollution, pollution, they got smog and stink and mud
Step out your door and into a pile of crud.

See the animals, oh it's tragic,
Being wiped out by leaking magic
Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly
But they don't last long if they try
Pollution, pollution, you can use the latest toothpaste
And then rinse your mouth with thaumaturgical waste

Just go out for a breath of air
And you'll have need of an Igor's care
The streets of the Shades are really quite a thrill
If the hoods don't get you, all the fug will
Pollution, pollution, wear a gas mask and a veil
Then you can breathe, long as you don't inhale

Lots of things there that you can drink
But stay away from the wells, I think
Instead of using a septic tank..
Well, have you ever seen the Ankh?
So go to the city, see the crazy people there
Like lambs to the slaughter
They're drinking the water and breathing- cough, hack, bugrit- the aaaaiir!

(With many, many apologies to Tom Lehrer and Terry Pratchett. I am not fit to lick their shoes.)

I have clearly gone insane.

Yaymeme!

2006-01-08T05:01:40Z

I was tagged by boz4pm, in a manner of speaking, to list five weird habits that I have. So here goes!

1. When I'm nervous, stressed, distracted, or bored to tears, I pull out little strands of my hair and play with the roots. It grosses people out, but I'm getting better about that.

2. I get songs stuck in my head and can't get them un-stuck until I learn the whole song word-for-word. I do this with entire musicals sometimes.

3. At home, I speak a highly strange blend of backwards-speak, Franglais, words with random letters inserted, cursing, and nonsense. So does my Dad, actually. We have entire conversations.

4. I subsist almost entirely on a diet of cheese sandwiches, tomato soup, milk, apple juice, and junk food of various varieties. Sometimes I eat pizza but I always take all the toppings off. It's a miracle I'm still alive, really.

5. I do silly little dances for everything.

You're supposed to tag five people to do this, but I suppose I'm tagging anyone who hasn't done it yet and wants to, as my flist is still pathetically small. Ready, set, go!

Reformat. Yey.

2006-01-06T21:11:54Z

Fixed up this thing so that everything has its own post. Just because I realized that the way I was formatting this thing before was, at some point, going to screw me over.

And I swear to your deity of choice that I will have a new mission up soon. I will. Just as soon as I finish these college applications. *pokes at them*

MST the First-and-a-Half-Kind-Of

2006-01-06T21:08:37Z

MST the First-and-a-Half-Kind-Of - Pseudo-Symbolic Angst And General Idiocy
In which a jerk from Rez's RL alter ego's Shakespeare camp sends out a mass email, and fun is had at his expense. Language warning- nothing too strong, but still.

(Lights come up. The setting is a small gray room, with a sheet over what looks like a bunch of computer equipment, miscellaneous rolling chairs, a battered green sofa with mismatched cushions, a little coffee table, also beat-up, a mini fridge, and a small viewing screen. Rez and Flip are on the sofa, snacks and soda are on the table, and an email is on the screen.)
Flip: So what are we doing, exactly? I thought we were working on that Tamora Pierce badfic.
Rez: We're taking a break from that to mock this email that Rin got. You know, my real-life alter ego?
Flip: Ye-es...
Rez: Well, this is from that jerk at Shakespeare camp who they all hated. Apparently he doesn't realize that and sent out a mass email.
Flip: Oh yeah, that guy. Hm.. okay, but this better not take a long time.
Rez: It's pretty short. Got your caffeine? (Flip nods.) Alright, let's do this thingy. (She presses a button on the remote. The email rolls.)

>>Date:

Rez: No thanks. I have to dye my hair that night.

>>Mon, 5 Dec 2005 00:33:50 -0500

Flip: A day that will live in infamy.

>>Hey it's 12:10 in the freaking morning and I am

Flip: A colossal jerk?
Rez: The king of all bastards?
Flip: Dying slowly and painfully?
Rez: Yeah, I like that one.

>>here writing

Rez: My suicide note..

>>a ten page

Flip: Long suicide note.
Rez: He has a lot of reasons to die.

>>paper due for tomorrow.

Rez: "What I Did On My Summer Vacation, by Name-Withheld-For-Legal-Purposes C. Jerkwad. Chapter One: Cheating On Girlfriends..."
Flip: Um?
Rez: Oh, no, I- or rather Rin- wasn't one of them, thank God. It was a few of my- her- friends. But he hit on me- her- ARGH. There was hitting on, and pissing off. Leeme 'lone.
Flip: *muttering* So glad I'm not an alter ego..

>>Suddenly I remembered that I

Flip: (NWFLP.C.J.) suck. Lots.

>>haven't talked to

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) My shrink..

>>you guys in a while.

Flip: Gee, I wonder why that is?
Rez: It couldn't possibly be because everyone's deliberately avoiding you, oh no.

>>a few months.

Rez: Caaaaan't take a hint.

>>oh shit, that is

Flip: (NWFLP.C.J.) a flesh-eating monster! Aaaargharghnonopleasenotmylegs, owowouchaaaargh! Sound effects, sound effects!
Rez: ...
Flip: (NWFLP.C.J.) O, I am dead. *flops over*

>>a long time!;

Rez: ...
Flip: ...
Rez: Mixed punctuation makes me die inside.

>>any-whey

Flip: As opposed to any-curds?

>>I remembered you all

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) ...hate me.

>>and was just thinking that I should,

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) ..jump off a bridge,

>>sooner or later,

Flip: Is this a multiple-choice question?
Rez: I pick sooner.

>>write you an email.

Flip: Can't have everything, I guess.

>>I do not know why

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) ..I am such an asshole.

>>exactly,

Flip: Oh, he agrees. Good.

>>even the oddities of my own

Rez: Assholeocity..
Flip: Is that a word?
Rez: It is now.

>>mind boggle

Flip: ...erm.. the mind? Yayfor repetition!

>>my very living soul and conscience.

Rez: Oh, the ones that made you cheat on girlfriends, slack off your work and blame it on other people, hit on everything female within a five-mile radius, and just generally be an idiot and a jerk?
Flip: ...Vindictive much?
Rez: Nope.

>>I have yet to see rent and

Rez: ..we care so much about it.

>>I cant wait to

Flip: (NWFLP.C.J.) ..throw myself under a train.

>>see erin's t-shirt design,

Rez: ..can we capitalize names please? Just a thought.

>>happy obtusely late birthday to Francis.

Rez: ..and spell them correctly?

>>late and unwanted as it is,

Flip: No kidding.

>>and a shout out, as they say,

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) In the land of people who don't suck..

>>to everyone that I haven't emailed,

Rez: Oh, those lucky lucky people.
Flip: See, now I'm confused. How can you 'shout out' to people who didn't get the email?
Rez: But we didn't get it, at least not originally, and we're reading it.
Flip: You have a point.

>>and a shout oout

Flip: Is that like an umpire, do you think? Like, 'Yer oout!'
Rez: I think it's pronounced 'oot.' *shouts* OOUT!

>>to anyone else who has

Flip: (NWFLP.C.J.) Had the good sense to avoid me and, preferably, hex me with voodoo.

>>forgotten my existence.

Rez: Lucky, lucky, lucky...

>>bwhahaha im back.

Both: *hide behind couch cushions*
Rez: Ack! Run for your lives, people of Earth!
Flip: Fear the evil! Fear the jerkiness! Fear the bad spelling and punctuation!!

>>My mom

Rez: Oh, please, do we have to go there? 'Your Mom' jokes are so juvenile.

>>is now out of a job and my dad is in the off season,

Flip: (NWFLP.C.J.) Ergo you should pity me. Puppy faaaace!

>>by the way I have

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) ..issues...

>>no conscious clue as to what I am writing,

Flip: Oh, he admits it.

>>so bear with me.

Rez: "For my part I had rather bear with you than bear you."
Flip: Um?
Rez: As You Like It. Read some Shakespeare once in a while.
Flip: I'd rather set bears on him.
Rez: Now who's vindictive?
Flip: Well, Rin is. And most of her friends. And-
Rez: Rhetorical question, Flip, it was a rhetorical question. Sweet zombie Jesus onna stick.

>>it will all become

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) ..fruit-shaped..

>>clear

Flip: Don't sing.
Rez: Wasn't gonna.

>>[crystal ball on the table glows, starts tap dancing.

Rez: A glowing, tap-dancing crystal ball? Wow! I want one.
Flip: Yeah, that'd look good on top of the console. And we could name it... Marco.
Rez: Why Marco?
Flip: Why not?

>>add some thunder

Flip: Anyone else having Magic School Bus flashbacks?
Rez: I wasn't until you said that.
Flip: I want to be Ms. Frizzle when I grow up.

>>and cackling]

Rez: All right, that's distinctly non-Magic-School-Bus-like.
Flip: I don't know.. there was that one episode..
Rez: *eyebrow* What were you watching?
Flip: No, there was the episode with the haunted house!
Rez: Right.
Flip: It was about sound.
Rez: I said right! Meaning I remember it!

>>soon.

Flip: I forgot what we were talking about before.
Rez: Me too.

>>I am, as I have stated before,

Rez: A gigantic asshole.
Flip: A monumental jerk.
Rez: A loser of epic proportions!

>>doing

Flip: (NWFLP.C.J.) ..nefarious deeds.

>>ok

Rez: Gah. 'Ok' isn't a word.

>>and I must say that well

Rez: You must say it well, but you still don't.
Flip: Leave it alone, Rez.

>>does not mean not being in physical pain.

Both: ...
Flip: Wzstf.. gh.. SYNTAX!
Rez: *with eyes shut, swigging soda* Ow. Thinking hurts.

>>I have been

Rez: Killed. Violently.
Both: Yay! *toss popcorn in the air like confetti*

>>sword and stage fighting

Flip: Fighting with a sword, I can see. Fighting with a stage might be a little difficult.

>>with the chess masters

Flip: Um?
Rez: Sword fighting... with chess masters? Did I miss something?

>>here in Miami,

Flip: Ah. That explains it. *wisely* You see, in Miami, they play chess as a battle reenactment, with actual weapons.
Rez: Like that scene in Sorcerer's Stone?
Flip: Yep.

>>to my wonderful

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) ..demise. A toast!
Both: *clink soda cans*

>>coaches at yctc

Flip: (hypnotist) Caaaaaapitals... caaaaaapitals...

>>"thanks for

Rez: All the fish!
Flip: I so knew you were going to say that.
Rez: It needed saying.

>>the crash

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) ..off a cliff. I needed that.

>>course in swords during the macbeth play,

Flip: Oog. Uncapitalized Shakespeare. Rez? You want to handle this one?
Rez: Sorry, I'm too busy having involuntary twitchfits.

>>I learned

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) My lines. Haha, psych!

>>to properly carry my stance

Flip: Split infinitive! Split infinitive! *throws popcorn at the screen* Boo!

>>thus saving,

Rez: Lots on my car insurance!
Flip: Ngh.

>>my back, arm, ass, thigh and pretty much every other
part of my body!"

Flip: *stunned silence*
Rez: Moving on. Dear God, scroll faster! Scroll faster!

>>p.s.

Flip: Isn't a p.s. supposed to go after the signature?
Rez: Technicality is too much to expect, I guess.

>>rapier

Rez: Rapey, rapier, rapiest.
Flip: I think you're getting delirious.
Rez: I concur.

>>and greatsword combo RULES!

Flip: Oh look, we're at a sports game all of a sudden.
Rez: *snickering* A sports game with swords? I would totally watch that.

>>Staging fights with

Flip: ..gang members is a good way to get arrested.

>>those combos are soo coooooooool!

Rez: Oooohhh nnnooooo, wweeee'rrre sshhhiiiifffttiiinnngg iiiinnnttoooo ssllloooww mmmooootiioooonnn!
Flip: *in slow-motion, moves to bop Rez on the head*
Rez: *ducks, in real time*
Flip: Hmph. Unfair.

>>And the group even gave me a

Flip: Wedgie.
Rez: Are you, like, ten?
Flip: He does kind of need one, admit it.
Rez: Well... yeah.

>>nickname, "lollipop"!

Rez: Why? 'Cause you suck so much?
Flip: Now who's ten?
Rez: Shut up. I'm not your friend anymore.

>>yaaaaaaaaarg!

Flip: Yaaarg! I be a pirate!

>>I love life!

Flip: (NWFLP.C.J.) There are rainbows and sunshine and cute puppies everywhere! Plus I have a nickname, yey!
Rez: Does anyone else feel a musical number coming on?

>>But if anyone else wants

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) ..me dead, please mail an envelope of anthrax to 500 Evil Bastard Lane, Miami, Florida.

>>to

Rez: (NWFLP.C.J.) ..kill me, please send-
Flip: All right, we get it.

>>do this, learn to love pain. I know I have

Flip: Masochism! Masochism!
Rez: *singing* Fracture my spine and swear that you're mine, aaaaas we dance to the Masochism Tango!
Flip: *blinks*
Rez: Tom Lehrer? The Masochism Tango? You are seriously deprived.

>>:-):-):-)

Flip: It is a man with three heads. *nods sagely*

>>Write me,

Rez: *gets out a piece of paper and a pen and writes the word 'me'*
Flip: Do not think that is what he meant.
Rez: Literalism strikes again!

>>as I am almost

Rez: Dead.
Both: Yay! *popcorn!confetti*

>>a putrid, petrified corpse

Flip: A putrid, petrified corpse who loves life?
Rez: OMZ zombies! Yey!
Flip: What is it with you and zombies?
Rez: Zombies rock. Undead power.

>>sitting at this very small desk

Flip: Made by Fisher-Price.

>>in a small chair

Flip: Which matches the desk.. they're both blue plastic.

>>inside

Rez: Let me guess.. a small room?
Flip: It's like a children's book. A really disturbing children's book. With curse words in.

>>a room with no windows,

Rez: Oooh, no, how angsty! Puppy faaace!

>>and as I type,

Flip: You can hear the noise of twenty-nine Shakespeare nerds cringing in anticipation of the imminent horror.
Rez: Why, Flip, that was almost poetic.
Flip: Shut it.

>>the shackles around my ankles

Flip: *coughmasochistcough*
Rez: No, I think it's another attempt at angsty pseudo-symbolism. That and I really don't like the thought of this guy with any sort of restraining device.

>>remind me of my servitude of slavery

Rez: Oh, no, are we really going to go here?
Flip: *hides face behind a cushion* Don't make me do the symbolism. I don't wanna do symbolism.

>>to the MLA format, of research biology, papers!

Rez: And, randomly placed, commas!
Flip: I see he's studied at the Captain Carrot School of Grammar.
Rez: Please. That's a slur on the Captain's good name. And it's also a reference that very few people reading this will get.
Flip: *sulks* Rin's friends need to read Discworld.

>>(((Name withheld for legal purposes.)))

Flip: Well, we don't want to get sued!
Rez: Not like anyone would make any money off us anyway.
Flip: They might take the Whisk, though..
Rez: Yeah, that would kind of suck. Okay. Name withheld, then.
Flip: So leave us the heck alone, lawyer-people!

>>Lollipop

Rez: A.k.a. "Sucker." ...I'm sorry, it's there.

>>Pocky

Flip: ...?
Rez: Who calls him that?

>>Chai

Flip: These random food references are starting to bug me.
Rez: Dear God, he's got an edible complex.
Flip: Ha.. 'edible.' Sounds like 'Oedipus.' Kind of.
Rez: Thank you for completely killing my joke.
Flip: Anytime.

>>42

Rez: What? How dare he invoke the Answer? Who does he think he is?
Flip: *edging away and putting a cushion between them as a barrier*

>>Don't panic!!

Rez: Too bad! I'm panicking! Rah! *pelts the screen with popcorn*
Flip: Argh, Rez, stop, the email is over!
Rez: *blinks* Oh. So it is. Yey. *waves one finger*
Flip: And there was much rejoicing. Little animated flags.

(Lights fade.)

Mission the Second - 'Get Over It'

2006-01-06T21:05:39Z

Mission the Second: 'Get Over It' by authoraisarete
H2G2 'fic. Which contains wangsty!Zaphod, luster-mode!Flip, and sick!Rez, and which introduces the Whisk.

“For Zarquon’s sake do something about that noise, will you?” Rez demanded from behind a tissue.
While her partner blew her nose loudly, Flip brought up their next assignment on the console screen. The high-pitched beeping continued.
“All right, you gods-cursed thing, I’m working on it, so put a sock in it already,” the diminutive girl shouted. The noise persisted. Flip dove for the partially-unpacked weapons bag and fetched out a three-foot whisk. “Don’t make me use this,” she threatened.
Beeeeeeep! went the console, defiantly.
“You asked for it,” she muttered. She hefted the whisk and gave the console a sharp poke. It shut up. “Nothing can resist the Whisk,” Flip gloated.
Rez blinked at her.
“Wait, no, I tell a lie,” Flip corrected herself. “Canon weapons beat it. Wouldn’t stand up to, say, Anduril. Or Tetsusaiga. Can I have Tolkien and anime in the same comparison?” she rambled.
“Flip,” Rez sighed, “why do you have an outsize whisk?”
“Dunno,” her partner shrugged. “I got it for my birthday. What’s this fic?” She bent over to read the screen.
There was a lengthy pause, during which Flip’s face took on a look of despair. Finally, she straightened, her mouth set in a grim line, and brought the whisk smashing down on the console table. A sizeable part of the plywood table splintered, and the keyboard sparked and died.
There was another lengthy pause.
“…Violent much?” Rez eeped.
Flip took a deep breath, composing herself. “I overreacted a little. But they messed,” she said evenly, “with Zaphod. I hate it when they mess with Zaphod.”
“How can you, even?” Rez mused. “He’s probably the easiest character to get a handle on.”
“Eheh. ‘Get a handle on,’” Flip smirked, temporarily reverting to luster-mode.
“If we hadn’t just gotten here, I’d swear up and down you’d been talking to the Bad Slashers,” Rez sighed, and blew her nose again.
“I’ll do the portal,” said Flip, ignoring her partner. “You round up the gear.” She sidled over and tapped buttons, muttering to herself. “‘S difficult to align portals with badly defined places. This could be anywhere in the galaxy… can this console do Improbability?”
“Doubtful.” Rez rummaged through Flip’s box of books and came up with the hardbound Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide. “This’ll do for an exorcism, I think.” She deposited the hefty volume in her canvas pack. “Now let’s see…canon analysis device, neuralizer, remote activator, chalk, headphones, translator, weapons- Flip, can I borrow a dagger?”
“Yeah, sure,” Flip said absently, still occupied with the portal. “I’m bringing the Whisk, it’s just weird enough to work. Alright, I got it, let’s move.”
Rez wiggled. “I’m moving.”
“Haha, ha,” Flip monotoned. “I mean let’s go.” Rez shouldered the pack, Flip hefted her whisk, and the two agents stepped through into a Generic Somewhere.
“Eurgh,” commented Rez. “Where even are we?”
Flip gave a one-shouldered shrug. “Beats me. The Words don’t say. But look, there are ‘happy people’ passing..”
“I’ll say it again: eurgh. Where’s our man then?” Rez looked to her side, where Flip ought to have been, but Flip was gone. Rez caught sight of her stalking along the edge of the apparent street, where the badly-defined people were walking back and forth. “Whoops. Follow the fangirl,” she muttered, and set off after her wayward partner.
“Ssh,” Flip cautioned as Rez caught up. “There he is…” Sitting at a small table, two arms crossed and one propping up one chin, looking dejected on the right head and vaguely angry on the left, was Zaphod Beeblebrox, erstwhile President of the Galaxy and all-around hoopy frood. Apart from the body language, he didn’t look a lot different, but Flip could sense a wrongness in the air around him. “What have they done to you…?” she breathed.
As Zaphod stared sullenly at the passing people, and Flip stared at Zaphod, Rez fetched out the CAD. Unlike her partner, who was originally a character herself, Rez hadn’t developed a sensitivity to canon wrongness quite yet. She pointed the CAD.
Bip. Zaphod Beeblebrox. Canon. Betelgeusian male. OOC 73.8% WARNING CHARACTER RUPTURE IMMINENT! scrolled across the screen. Rez sighed with relief- she’d been expecting more loud noises. She stowed the CAD back in her pack.
‘Get over it, Zaphod,’ boomed a voice in the air all around them. Both agents jumped. Zaphod flinched.
‘And there’s the loud noise,’ Rez thought. ‘Thank you, Ironic Overpower.’
‘Get over it,’ a second voice shrieked. Flip covered her ears. Zaphod’s angry look grew darker, and his dejected look intensified.
‘Get over it,’ yet a third voice thundered.
Flip suddenly started, her eyes wide. “Rez, hold onto something, there’s going to be a--”
The world gave a sickening heave. The ‘happy people’ vanished. The Generic Somewhere stretched and resolved itself into Zaphod’s room on the Heart of Gold.
“--scene shift,” Flip finished lamely.
“I’m going to be sick,” Rez groaned.
“Ugh, the wrongness is worse in here,” murmured Flip. The shorter agent was already concentrating on the two-headed man. Rez pulled out the CAD again.
Bip. Zaphod Beeblebrox. Canon. OOC 86.9% and rising. DANGER-- She lowered it, disgusted.
Zaphod picked up a knife. “Oh no,” Flip whispered, tensing up. “No no no, don’t do it, Zaphod baby, please please please don’t…”
“I don’t want to get over it!” Zaphod told the voices. The two agents watched helplessly as he ‘cut into the soft skin of his arm.’
Flip subsided, slumping to the floor. “Oh, Zarquon, I can’t look,” she whimpered.
WARNING! COMPLETE CHARACTER RUPTURE! OOC 100%! shrilled the CAD.
‘Get over it,’ chorused the voices. Zaphod cut again and again and again as, unseen, Rez watched numbly.
‘Get over it,’ the voices repeated. There was a long pause. The CAD whined on like a flatline, thin and high in the silence, until Rez gave it a shake and it shut up.
Flip looked up. “Is it over?” she whispered.
“Almost,” the blue-haired agent whispered back. “Just the exorcism left, and I have a plan for that. Can you watch him? I have to get to the bridge before the next scene.” Flip nodded, fixing a brave look on her face.
“Just get over it, you idiot,” Zaphod told himself. “You’re worthless. Just accept it. Move on.”
“You are not worthless!” Flip hissed, as her partner quietly let herself out.
While Flip kept an eye on Zaphod, Rez bolted for the bridge. She portaled herself in, rather than risk the door announcing her presence, and set to work chalking a wide circle around Zaphod’s chair. She spared glances only at the Words and at Ford Prefect, the only other occupant of the bridge. Just in time, she finished, leaving a gap just wide enough for Zaphod to walk through.
The story gave another hideous heave, accompanied this time by a violent sideways wrenching, and Zaphod and Flip appeared at the door.

Rez scoots sideways as Zaphod walks to his chair. “What the-” she starts, looking quizzically at her partner.
“Tense shift,” Flip explains. “Heads up, this is where we come in.”
“Are you alright?” Ford asks, looking at Zaphod worriedly. Zaphod sits down and opens his mouth to reply that everything’s fine--
“No, he’s most definitely not alright,” Flip says. Ford and Zaphod stare in surprise.
Rez closes the circle and stands up. “Oh, starpox,” she mutters. “We’re still in present tense.” The canons double-take at her as she digs a thick hardbound book out of her bag.
“Where did you guys come from?” Ford is astonished.
“We’re here to help,” Rez assures him, not really answering his question. She holds out the book to Flip. “I’ll charge if you want to exorcise,” the taller agent offers.
“With pleasure,” Flip grins, taking the book and advancing on Zaphod. “Demons, leave this body!” she shouts, whacking Zaphod around the chest. “The spirit of Adams compels thee! Get thee behind me, Wangst! By the power of Canon, begone!”
A ghostly female form coalesces. Free of its influence, Zaphod wheels his chair backwards out of the circle. Shrieking, the fangirl-spirit moves to follow him, but flattens against the chalk circle.
“It worked!” Rez cheers. “Now for the charges- oh, pestilence, I forgot to write them down- I’ll do it from memory. Demon of Bad Angst,” she intones, “you are charged with creating a Generic Somewhere, giving Zaphod a second set of voices in his head, employing painful scene/tense shifts, spontaneously generating cutlery, and most heinous of all, destroying the character of Zaphod Beeblebrox and causing him undue bodily harm. The punishment is death. You have no rights, nor do you get last words.” Rez grins evilly. “Flip. Your turn.”
She backs away. Flip raises the Whisk and swings it through the circle. The fangirl-demon screams, curling into thin wisps of smoke that dissipate quickly in the air.

Rez looked around. “Hey, we’re back in past tense,” she observed. “Thank Zarquon. Present weirds me out.”
“Oh man,” Zaphod was muttering, “oh man, this is weird even for me..” He caught sight his arm, scored with cuts, and both of his faces went very pale.
“He needs to get to Medical,” Flip nudged Rez and said.
“As soon as I take care of this,” Rez replied, holding up the neuralizer. Both agents covered their eyes as Rez pressed a button and a bright flash went off. Ford and Zaphod lost their looks of confusion and shock and regarded the agents mildly.
“Right,” Rez said, with a small cough. “Ford, you haven’t noticed anything weirder than usual. Go get yourself a drink and everything will be fine.” She watched as Ford got up, nodding to himself, and left in the direction of the kitchen. “Zaphod,” she continued, “you are an amazingly hoopy frood, you have absolutely no reason to doubt that fact, and you hurt yourself doing something fun. If you’ll come with us, we’ll take you to someone who can fix it.”
Flip got the remote activator out of Rez’s pack and fiddled with it until she got a portal into the medical department at Headquarters. “Here we are. After you, Mr. President.”
“So what planet are you two from, anyway?” Zaphod asked, very much back to his old self, as Rez escorted him over to the portal. Flip promptly went a bright shade of red, mumbling something incoherent.
Rez gave a loud cough that sounded suspiciously like “Trillian!” as the two agents and the ex-President stepped through into Medical.

“Hii, Dr. Fitzgerald!” Rez caroled cheerily- or at least as far as it’s possible for an agent with a cold to do so. “We brought a visitor!”
The harried-looking head of Medical looked at Zaphod with mild surprise. Zaphod grinned two grins at him.
“What-” Dr. Fitzgerald began.
Flip stood on tiptoe to whisper the situation to him, not wanting to upset Zaphod by repeating the events of the badfic.
“Ah,” said the doctor. He glanced at Zaphod again, who gave him the signature snap-point sign. “Hm, I see. He may need some stitches, but it shouldn’t be too serious.”
“And I may need some cold medication,” Rez cut in, coughing pointedly. “Just by the way.”
Irritated, Dr. Fitzgerald got a bottle of dark liquid out of a cabinet and handed it to her. “There. Don’t take more than two doses of that per day, it’ll make you too sleepy to work. Now both of you, get back to your response center. I’ll handle this.”
“Thank you,” Flip told him, feelingly. “’Bye,” she added, with a shy wave at Zaphod.
“Hey, see you ‘round.” Zaphod winked at the agents, causing Flip to go red again.
“Yeah.. I mean, maybe.. if..” she stammered.
Rez seized the opportunity to drag her distracted partner out the door. Before Flip regained her senses, they were back at the gray door marked RC #1020.
“Wait, what- how did we- huh?”
“Eh, I can’t explain it properly,” Rez said unhelpfully.
Bip, went the console as they entered.
“Weird, it’s being nice,” Flip commented, ambling over to look at the screen. “Oh. Not a mission, just a memo from the SO.”
“And that’s nice?” Rez groaned, following her partner.
Agents Rez and Flip, read the memo, it has come to our attention that you are working at least part-time in the continuum of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. As such, you are expected to attend an emergency screening of the motion picture of the same name, in the Little Auditorium in exactly one hour. I would remind you that this is field research and NOT a vacation.
Regards,
The Sunflower Official.
“You were saying?” Flip grinned. “Sounds like fun to me.”
Rez tossed her bottle of cough syrup from hand to hand idly, reading the memo. “Don’t let the Ironic Overpower hear you say that. C’mon, let’s go early so we can get good seats!”

See Rez have identity crises!

2005-09-23T20:58:36Z

Whilst reading webcomics, I stumbled across references to a video game called Rez (which, not being a gamer at all, I had never heard of), so I looked it up on Wikipedia. Apparently it's this trippy first-person shooter type affair, and it's pretty zarking cool. So I guess this means I'm half-video-game, or something. The article is at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rez in case anyone cares about my weird identity crises.

PPC Missions.

2005-09-23T20:47:24Z

Mission the First: 'Prophecies' by An Invisible Tomorrow
In which Rez and Flip go on their first mission- a Potterverse 'Sue with interesting implications for Rez.

A red light on the console was already blinking when the two new agents arrived at their response center.
“Wow,” remarked the shorter of the two. “That flower wasn’t kidding when it said we’d start right away.” She started toward the large table that held the console and its various accompanying equipment.
“Flip!” the other agent interjected. “Bags in first.”
“Oh, fine,” Flip pouted, returning to the door to pick up a large duffel bag. “Oof- Jesus tap-dancing Christ, Rez, what did you pack?”
“That one’s gear mostly, and you should talk, you brought all those books-”
“We might need them for reference,” retorted Flip. “And besides. I read fast.”
“And you anticipate having large amounts of free time in which to do so?” Rez snerked, following with two smaller suitcases and her backpack.
“Next time I’m getting luggage with wheels on,” Flip complained, shoving a second duffel and a large cardboard box through the door. “That’s the last of it. Now let’s see what our first assignment is.” She bounced over to peer at the console screen. “Huh, weird. It’s a Potter-verse ‘Sue.”
“Odd,” Rez agreed, draping her trenchcoat over a chair. “The- what was it, Sunflower?- said that floaters work the areas that don’t have regular agents… oh.” She had read the title of the ‘fic in question over her partner’s shoulder. “Zarking fardwarks.”
“Now, now, no need to curse,” Flip admonished.
“Look, Flip,” Rez said slowly, “they sent us this fic because- ugh- because I wrote it.”
Flip stared. “You what?”
“I was young and stupid, all right?” Rez explained. “You’re not an author, you don’t understand- practically every fledgling fanfictionist writes a ‘Sue at some point. But I know I deleted this. How is it still floating around?”
“Beats me,” Flip shrugged. “But it is, and we have to go sort it out. So let’s get a move on, hey?”
Rez shook her head. “Yeah.” She pressed buttons on the console, hoping they were the right ones. “Lessee… we can be students… got to do something about my hair, though, blue’s completely uncanon, let’s go with black…”
While the taller girl muttered to herself, Flip sorted through the weapons. She chose two daggers for herself, and picked up Rez’s short staff. “Ready?” she asked.
“As ready as I’m ever gonna be.” Rez said, looking grim. “Lessgo.” She brought up a portal, and the agents stepped through it---
---not into Hogwarts, as they had expected, but into a snow-covered, scrubby stand of trees behind a brick apartment complex.
“Freaky,” remarked Flip. “It looks like behind your house, Rez.”
“It is behind my house. This is just the prologue.”
“Hey look, ‘Sue prints!” Flip followed the footprints in question to the tree line, where they vanished abruptly. “Heh. Stopped in her tracks, as it were.” She grinned and made the motions of a drum sting.
Rez groaned. “Took a Portkey. C’mon, let’s portal after her before her- or my- family comes looking for the vanishy footprints.”
“But… then we’ll leave vanishy prints too…”
“So? It’ll just look like someone kidnapped her. Big deal. I wrote it, I can change it,” Rez rationalized. She had fished out the remote activator and was busily twiddling a dial.
Flip considered. “Eh. You’re right. Doesn’t matter.” Once again, they portaled- this time, to the Great Hall.
“Is it ‘portaled’ or ‘portalled?’” Rez mused.
"Hogwarts!" Flip had a notebook out and was sketching away. "Ispreeetty."
"C'mon, let's sit." Rez steered her partner over to the Gryffindor table, a few places down from Harry & Co. Both agents helped themselves to some food.
"Hey, decent spelling and grammar," Flip observed, with a glance at the Words. "Thank heaven for small mercies."
"Ahthankyou," Rez replied. "Now hush. Dumbledore's talking and I want to hear." The two agents turned their attention to the High Table.
"...has come all the way from America to help us in the fight against Voldemort," the Headmaster was saying.
Flip winced. "Ouch. Charge the first." She flipped a page in her notebook and wrote it down.
"And second," Rez added. "Throwing the Dark Lord's name around."
"Oh. Right, yeah." Scribble, scribble. "Look, there she is... kind of looks like you, Rez, only younger. And with glasses."
To her credit, the girl standing next to Dumbledore looked quite nervous. "That's right, little girl," Rez muttered. "Be afraid, be very afraid..." She walked a butter knife around her plate, smiling absently.
"You can sit with the Gryffindors for now," Dumbledore said, in typical kind-headmaster fashion.
Flip made a face. "Charge the third, bypassing the Sorting Hat."
"Oh, come on, it can't Sort her, she isn't a student-"
"Yes it can, it isn't the Goblet of Fire, it hasn't got rules. I'm putting it down."
"Nnmph," Rez grumbled incoherently. "Fine."
During this exchange, the 'Sue had come over to sit with Harry, Ron, and Hermione. The agents listened carefully to the introductions, Flip making notes on her pad.
"Catherine?" Flip blinked. "Pretty name, too bad it's on a 'Sue. That your real name, Rez?"
"That it is not, Flip the Blip. It's my real-life alter-ego's. Oh look, she's going to flirt with Ron, what fun," Rez said, changing the subject.
"Ngh. You were a Ron-fangirl?"
"I grew out of it. Least I wasn't a Harry-stalker. Or a Draco-luster. Or something really strange, like-"
"Ssh, will you, she can hear us even if the canons can't."
"Right, gotcha."
The rest of dinner passed relatively uneventfully. Flip shoveled as much food into her mouth as she could, while Rez alternately spied on her ‘Sueish counterpart and quizzed a few suspicious first-years. After the plates cleared, they tailed the trio-plus-one up to Gryffindor tower.
"I don't like matchmaker!Hermione," Rez complained quietly as they went. "Hand me the charge list, Flip."
"You wrote this," Flip reminded her partner, relinquishing the notepad.
"Don't remind me. I think I was possessed," grumbled Rez. "Actually.. think I'll put that down too. Possessing a future PPC agent."
"Can you do that?"
"It's a subjective charge. Do we have to argue about everything on the list?"
"Yes," Flip retorted. "I like to argue."
Rez made a noncommittal sort of noise.
"Look, pictures!" the shorter agent topic-shifted, gazing around at the various paintings on the walls. She waved enthusiastically at a man in a ruff, who, being a part of canon, failed to notice.
They reached Gryffindor Tower in short order, by way of a minor plot hole. The students streamed up the stairs to their respective dormitories, with Hermione playing guide to the 'Sue, leaving the two agents alone in an otherwise empty common room.
Rez flopped into an armchair, dropping the pack on the floor. "Foof. Looks like we get to camp out here."
"You can camp," Flip shrugged. "Me, I'm exploring the school. Hand me the notebook back, willya?"
"Fine by me," Rez yawned, tossing the book back to her partner.
Flip grinned and slid out the portrait hole, leaving Rez to deal with the pseudo-prophetic dream images that floated down the stairs a short while later. She shifted uncomfortably. "Never writing a dream sequence again," the tall girl muttered. She dug her headphones out of the pack, jammed them on, squeezed her eyes shut, and eventually fell into an uneasy sleep.

Rez woke to the sound of someone banging on the wall just outside the portrait hole. She groaned and extracted herself from the armchair. As she neared the door, the banging was joined by muffled shouting. "Rez, Rez, I know you're in there, you doof, let me in!"
Recognizing Flip's voice, Rez pulled the portrait open. "Why couldn't you let y'self in?," she mumbled, still half-asleep.
"Left the portal dealy with you," Flip explained, far too cheerfully, as she clambered into the common room. "Dunknow the password. Can't do magic. What's wrong with you?" she asked, peering at Rez's face. "You don't look so good."
"Don't feel so good, either," Rez said eloquently. "S'probably LINK."
"LINK?" Flip wondered.
"Yeah, 'nt you ever read HFA? Forget what it stands for... but it's authors connected to their stories. And we're-"
"-in here mucking around in yours," Flip finished. "Zarquon, can you imagine what badfic does to canon authors then? Ouch." With another of her abrupt topic-changes, she was dragging her partner out the portrait hole. "C'mon, breakfast will help. Food helps everything."

“Y’know what’s weird?” Flip mused over a stack of pancakes. “I’m pretty sure we arrived at the welcome feast, but it was snowyful when we left the prologue in America. Where do you live, Rez?”
“Around DC.” Rez was indeed feeling better, attacking her pancakes with a will. “You’re right, no snow there in September. Never realized that… time conflation. Ooops.”
“Or season, I can’t tell which. I’ll write it down.” Flip finished off her pancakes and poured herself a glass of milk. “Want to portal ahead to the next scheduled event? The Words don’t say how long it is…”
“Yeah, okay,” Rez agreed. “Get the portal thing.”
Flip blinked. “I don’t have it.”
“You didn’t bring the backpack?”
“No-o, I was dragging you..” There was a brief tense pause, while both agents stared at each other in growing horror. Then-
“Starpox!” Flip exclaimed, and they pelted up to Gryffindor tower.
“Can canons- see gear- if ‘s not with us?” Rez panted as they ran.
“Don’t know,” Flip replied, “but Catherine can- she has to pass through- common room- oh, zark it all!” They ran on.
As soon as the agents reached the portrait of the Fat Lady, Rez braced herself against the wall. “Password,” she gasped, red-faced.
“Not again,” groaned Flip. She carefully poked the Fat Lady’s canvas. “Er, excuse me-” she began.
The Fat Lady suddenly saw them. “You’re not Gryffindors,” she said suspiciously.
Flip dug in a pocket of her robe and produced the Department of Floaters flashpatch, emblazoned with a waterlily.
“Oh I see,” said the Fat Lady, and swung open obligingly.
Rez scrambled through and fetched out the backpack from under the squashy armchair. “I have got to get back in shape,” she muttered to herself.
“Anything missing?” Flip asked, following Rez over and sprawling in the chair.
“Nnno, I don’t think- oh- yes. All the snacks. Figures.”
“Man,” Flip complained.
“No I’m not,” Rez corrected. “Let’s portal.” But before she could set the activator, a plot hole caught them up in the inexorable flow of the ‘story.’ The common room winked out, and was replaced by the castle grounds.
“Oh no,” Flip moaned. “What did you write in now, Rez?” A contingent of Death Eaters were advancing on the school. Flip dived for a conveniently placed bush.
“Flip, wait, not there, that’s-” Rez started, but her partner was already gone. “Hellfire!” She sprinted for the nearest tree and clambered up into its branches, as the Dark Lord’s minions moved ever closer.
“Rez!” Flip hissed, peering out from behind the bush. “Rez, where’d you-”
“Ssh, we’re in danger,” admonished a strangely familiar voice. “We have to stay hidden until I can think of something!”
Flip did a slow 180-degree take. Staring at her around a clump of leaves was the ‘Sue, Catherine. Apart from her glasses, close to she looked and sounded exactly like Rez- only she radiated an unmistakable aura of ‘Sueness. Flip had the creeping horrors.
“Don’t be scared of the Death Eaters,” Catherine said, completely misreading the look on Flip’s face. “I think I know a spell that will work.”
“You think?” Flip muttered, trying to hide from both Voldemort’s army and the ‘Sue.
Catherine drew her wand. “Spiralae Patronum!” she cried, standing up and pointing the wand dramatically. Flip winced. Spiralae? Dear Zarquon.
From her vantage point in the tree, Rez watched silver light spiral outwards from the tip of the ‘Sue’s wand. When it hit the Death Eaters, they ‘flared and disappeared.’ “Ugh,” she said emphatically, as a quirk of description made the Death Eaters’ robes become oddly bellbottom-like around the hems. “Never again.”
When Catherine and a few gratuitous canons had filtered back inside, the agents ventured out from their hiding places.
“Spiralae?” Flip demanded, emerging from the shrubbery.
“Oh, get out of it,” Rez snapped as she dropped back to the ground. Changing the subject, she added, “Want to watch her suck at Quidditch in a half-assed attempt to prove she isn’t a ‘Sue, or should we skip ahead to the non-canon world-switching?”
“Ye gods.” Flip made a face.
“Bear in mind,” Rez pointed out, “that if we go watch Quidditch, there will be flying Weasley twins.” She chuckled a bit- Rez was a great admirer of the exploits of Fred and George.
“You make a compelling argument,” Flip mused. “Still… let’s get zappy. I’m sick of this story.”
“Tell me about it,” muttered Rez, as Flip dug out the remote activator and set the dials. The agents stepped through the portal that appeared, into the exact same place on the castle grounds.
“It didn’t work,” Flip said, surprised.
Rez looked at the Words. “Yes it did. Look, there’s the hideously un-canonical portal.” She pointed to a shifting vortex of different-colored light that hung in the air, just over by the tree line. “You know… are there trees on the grounds, besides the Forbidden Forest?”
“Dunknow. Canon or not, let’s get in them before Ron and that fake you show up.” They hurried towards the relative shelter of the trees.
“Something about this feels even more wrong than usual,” Flip observed as they stowed the pack near the base of a pine tree.
Rez fidgeted with the sleeve of her robe. “It’s, um, three in the morning. Roughly.”
Flip stared. “Rez. The sun is up. It is not three in the morning.”
“Look at your watch if you don’t believe me.”
Flip looked at her watch. She looked at the Words. She did a double-take at the watch. Then she looked at Rez.
“You mucked with laws of nature,” she gritted. “I do not believe you.”
“Well, I’m atoning for it, aren’t I?” Rez burst out, fighting to keep from shouting. “Look, you think this is fun? I’m not proud of writing this drivel, you know. I deleted it from everywhere I could find. Truth be told, I wish it had stayed buried forever. But it’s come up again, and now I have to deal with it. I’m going to deal with it if it kills me.”
“It’s not going to kill you,” Flip muttered, stung. “No need to get all overdramatic.”
“Forget it. Here they come.”
Sure enough, Ron and the ‘Sue had emerged from the castle and were advancing at a run, wands out. They stopped in front of the illogical portal and inspected it.
“It’s the Gate of Alaia,” Ron was telling Catherine. Flip pulled faces at him from behind their tree. “But everyone said it was just a legend…”
“All right, that is it, I’ve officially had it,” announced a tall, black-haired student, stepping out from the trees and brandishing a short pole. “Both of you, stay where you are. Flip, get out the charges.” A shorter student, this one with messy brown hair, also appeared from the trees, rummaging in a large backpack.
“What’s the meaning of this?” Catherine demanded, leveling her wand. “Are you spies for Vol-”
“I said DON’T MOVE!” Rez lashed out, bringing the shortstaff down hard on the ‘Sue’s right shoulder. There was an audible crack. The wand fell to the snowy ground.
“Ouch,” Rez grimaced, as LINK gave a twinge. “Flip, hurry up with those charges!”
“Right here,” Flip said, putting the notebook into Rez’s hand as she flashed by to press a dagger to the ‘Sue’s throat.
“Right, listen up,” said Rez, clearing her throat. “Catherine Peterson, alias Mary Sue, you are charged with wimpifying canon by coming from America to defeat Voldemort, flinging the Dark Lord’s name around, bypassing the Sorting Hat, causing Hermione to play matchmaker, possessing and impersonating a future PPC agent and her RL alter ego, respectively, having prophetic dreams, inventing stupid spells, creating non-canon portals with ridiculous names, interfering with the characters of everyone, most notably Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Albus Dumbledore, having a silly obsession with snow, time/season conflation, rearranging the grounds, mucking with laws of nature, making me yell at Flip-” She paused for breath. “And being a Mary Sue. We find you guilty as charged, and sentence you to death. Any last words?”
“You can’t kill me!” Catherine protested, cringing in pain from her broken collarbone. “I’m you!”
Rez’s eyes narrowed dangerously. Her hands tightened on the shortstaff. “You,” she grated, “are not me.” She nodded to Flip.
The dagger flashed. The ‘Sue slumped to the ground, her throat cut. Rez yelled as LINK gave a painful wrench and detached itself. Canon snapped back into place- the portal disappeared, the grounds rearranged themselves, the sun went back down. Ron was gone, safely back in bed where he should have been.
“That hurt,” Rez said calmly.
“So what do you think?” Flip asked, nudging the body with her toe. “Dump her in the lake?”
“Just a sec.” Rez picked up the ‘Sue’s wand and removed her glasses. “Souvenirs,” she explained. They opened a portal over the lake and shoved the body through with a splash.

“Hey,” said Flip as they stepped back into the RC. “You okay? Y’know, with LINK and all.”
“Yep, the effects vanished when she died,” Rez answered, stretching her arms.
“Are you sure? You look kind of pale…”
“Flip, I am always pale. I’m telling you I’m fi- ah- CHOO!” Rez broke off abruptly with a loud sneeze.
The console, of course, chose that moment to go off with an earsplitting BEEEEEP! As Rez cursed at it, interrupting herself with another sneeze, Flip sighed. They were off to a flying start.